To the Girl He Chose Over Me,
There are a couple things I want to say to you…
I can’t blame you. It’s not your fault. It’s not even his. I guess it’s mine. I will never understand what I did that turned him off. I gave him all of my time, energy and devotion and he couldn’t give me anything. I wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be the one to make him happy. I was not able to do this but honestly I hope you are.
I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of the way he’ll treat you. I’m jealous that you get to spend all this time with him while I sit home alone. He always told me that when he had a girlfriend, he would invest all of his time in her. He never did that for me. He never gave me any of that time. I’m jealous that you get to experience how goofy he is. I’m even jealous that you get to spend time with him when he’s angry.
Sometimes, I wonder if you really know him. Sure, you know that he likes sports and he loves his major. But, do you know that when he laughs he puts his face in his hand as if he’s embarrassed. Do you know that when he cries, he sobs? Do you know that he puts his family above all and that he would do anything for them? Do you know that he twitches in his sleep and that it wakes him up?
Maybe you do but maybe you don’t. Maybe you just haven’t spent enough time with him to experience any of those things. But, I do know one thing for sure. He’ll never tell you anything about me.
He won’t tell you about the times he spent crying on my couch because he had done something wrong. He won’t tell you how he planned our lives together. He won’t tell you how he would get angry when another boy talked to me. He won’t tell you how when I tried to move on, he tried to stop me.
He won’t tell you any of this because he’ll pretend it didn’t happen. He’ll pretend that I was just a hookup. He’ll pretend he had no feelings towards me. He’ll act confused if you ever bring me up. He’ll say he never cared.
And maybe he didn’t but his texts, actions, and friends say otherwise. We couldn’t stay away from each other. We would stray away and come back weeks later, like nothing had changed at all. I guess it’s hard for me to admit now that this won’t happen again. He’s probably never going to come back to me and I have to live every day with this.
I wish I were in your shoes. I wish that I got to be in the honeymoon phase with him again. I wish that he gave me another chance but sometimes… I wish I never met him. I wish I never fell for him. I wish that he never approached me in the first place. Honestly, I wish he just never looked my way.
Please don’t hurt him. As much as he hurt me, I still want him to be happy. That’s all I have ever wanted. I want to see his face light up, like it used to for me. I want him to look at you the way he used to look at me and I want him to enjoy every second he spends with you.
Sincerely,
the girl who will always love him more