An Open Letter to the Guy I Fell For,
I just want to start by saying I don’t blame you. But, I want you to know that I don’t let my guard down, ever. I was hurt before you and it ruined me. For months after him, I cried. He took a piece of me with him and I’ll never get that back. After him, I kept to myself and refused to open up. Guys tried to come into my life and I shut them out.
Then I met you…
And you made me open up. You taught me more things about myself then I ever thought were possible. You taught me that change is good. I remember being happy. Being so happy after being with you that I’d giggle until I fell asleep. I would have believed anything you told me, and that was the problem.
Your thoughts on life fascinated me. The way you viewed your mom showed that you respected women. The way you’d shake your head after hearing what some guys did made me respect you. When you heard about my past, you tensed up and I thank you for that. You said never wanted to hurt me like that.
Somewhere we went wrong, little disputes became bigger arguments and couldn’t be ignored. It was never going to work out and deep down I knew that. I can honestly say I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I cried when you left me the first time, and I would cried harder every time you left.
I tried to get over you. Tried to move on. Tried to tell myself that I would be fine in a couple of weeks. And after a few weeks, I was fine. I want you to know that. I was fine without you. And then, suddenly you were back in my life, but still not like before. We would never go back to how we were at the beginning. For months, we went on and off. You realized how vulnerable I was to you, and I never wanted that. I never wanted you to view me in that way. As nothing.
Then, you lied. I never cared what you did; I just never wanted you to lie to me. I never lied to you and I deserved the same respect. You never wanted to hurt me, but the truth is you did. You hurt me just as much, if not more, then all those other guys you heard about.
I can’t sit here and say that I was so perfect in our relationship. I hurt you too and I know that. You had been hurt before too and I understood that. I understood you couldn’t open up to me and I apologize for trying to make you. I never meant to start this.
The last thing I’d like to say is I forgive you. Despite everything, I forgive you. You taught me more things about myself in those few months than anyone did in the years before that. And I want you to know, I would do it all again.