As many of you may know, or have seen, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. This inspired me to share a story… my story. I am not 100% ready to release every detail of the situation as it brings back too many horrors, yet I will give a little insight. I had just begun my sophomore year at Marymount and everything seemed to be going well. I had just switched my major and was really enjoying my new classes. I was surrounded by people I thought I could trust and was involved in various activities.Â
Several weeks into this seeming glorious year, the unthinkable happened. I was sexually assaulted. A guy I barely knew began touching me very inappropriately and almost started to take off my clothes. I wasn’t even dressed provocatively. I was wearing jeans, for goodness sake. I immediately lost it. I started crying hysterically and fled the scene as fast as I could. The worst part was, the friends I thought I could trust, were nowhere to be found, leaving me alone in that terrifying situation. They jeopardized my safety to satisfy themselves. After leaving the scene I crawled into bed and felt like living there for the next several days. I did not want people asking questions though so on Monday I was forced to leave my safety net. I felt so numb and disgusting, taking so many showers to try and wash off the “filth”, hoping I would feel better after. I didn’t though.
I blamed myself for what happened. I beat myself up and put myself down. I believed I was naive and stupid and that if I had just been smart then the whole event wouldn’t have happened. On top of the blaming, my friends that I was with didn’t seem to care about what I was going through. They weren’t even sorry for what had happened to me. This really affected our friendship and created a downward spiral. I am no longer friends with them. I also kept having reoccurring dreams nightmares of the event and what would have happened if things had gone any further. I feared that I would see my assaulter again and get caught in the same trap or that I would never be able to be around guys again. I felt like I was caught in the middle of a living Hell. I felt like a hopeless, worthless, useless, filthy piece of trash…
I eventually decided to seek help and put all of my faith in God. I understood that what happened to me was not my fault. No one should ever touch you in such a way or treat you with such disrespect. Even to this day I still have visions of the event and I am continuing to heal. I realized that the event has helped me to grow stronger and has left me wanting to take a stand against sexual assault. No one deserves to go through what I went through. Through the Grace of God I have also, personally, forgiven my assaulter. It was definitely not easy, but has allowed me to move on. I also chose not to press charges as I felt like I may have to see him again. Hopefully he has been long removed from my life.
What I want you all to get from this is that, if this has happened to you or someone you know, you are not alone. You are more than what happened to you. You are beautiful, amazing, wonderful, and a child of God. If you haven’t experienced this, I ask you to be aware of your surroundings and do your best to respect people. You have no idea what they have been through. We all have our scars. Some are just very different than others. Lets all join this fight together and take a stand against sexual assault!Â