Dating is an aspect of life that generally takes a while to figure out. One of its major components is figuring out what your guy wants when dating, and then whether it is compatible with what you want.
Here are 6 tips on how to get what you want out of your dating relationship.
1. Give him cues and be consistent about them.
Be consistent in your communication, but be subtle. Let’s face it, most guys are easily confused and easily frustrated when it comes to dating. They want their dating relationship to be turn-key and low on volume. So, if you are constantly over-verbalizing your viewpoints about what you want out of your relationship, that’s probably not going to work. Instead, give your guy cues. I have a friend who calls this “helpful hints.” You show him what you like, and you are consistent about communicating it. It’s important to be clear. Studies about the sexes show that men have around 7 receptors in the brain for non-verbal communication, while women have above 50. For example, if you want a guy to ring the doorbell instead of honking his horn for you to come outside, then let him know that you will be listening for the doorbell when he tells you he’s on his way. Or, whenever he talks about going out, tell him that it sounds great, but you would need advance notice. A smart guy will get the message.
2. Understand what he wants, too.
Guys in the age range of 18-25 mainly want a companion with whom they can do fun things. In college, it is best to keep it light until you are well into the relationship. Discussion about marriage, kids, etc. is a NO-NO, unless he brings up the topic first. If he does, be honest. Just remember, the easiest way to tell if a guy sees you in his future is if he is willing to plan ahead. For instance, if you take a trip together, or if he introduces you to people in his life as his girlfriend, that’s a good sign. He is creating a social connection. Watch for these things and what he wants will become clearer to you. You will soon see if the relationship has future potential through the way he treats you, and if he makes you an important part of his life. A major component in getting your guy to understand you is for you to work hard at understanding him. So, do not be pushy about the long-term. Short-term first, long-term second.
3. Have a standard.
You want to be chill and have fun. But, it is also important to know your deal-breakers and non-negotiables. Dating should not involve a laundry list of traits that your ideal guy must have or else. Even celebrities are not perfect. You will NEVER date a Jesus. Just have an idea of what you want your relationships to be like. Consider the qualities that you want to see in the guys you date. A realistic standard is more than physical appearances. It might sound something like this: I love the band Disclosure, so if a guy I date does not like them, he needs to at least appreciate that I enjoy their music. Or, I was raised in a Christian church, so I would love to date a spiritually-oriented guy. Being realistic about the people and situations you may encounter will save you tons of dating frustration. Create standards, instead of saying anything goes.
4. Give!
One of the paradoxes of life is that the more you give, the more you get. So, be a giver. If you start out a relationship by thinking what you want to get out of it, you’re heading for failure. Relationships do not work that way. The tricky part of all of this is that you have to be careful and selective about guys. If you give too much to the wrong guy, this is not a good situation, either. You will on occasion find that you are not getting the right level of reciprocation. If that’s the case, you will probably have to decide to move on. But, this does not mean that the underlying philosophy is wrong – it’s the guy, not the philosophy. Both casual dating and committed relationships are a two way street. So, when you both give equally, the relationship is more likely to satisfy. Balance!
5. Let yourself be a jewel to be adored.
In many of my articles, I have advocated for taking initiative in your love life, through maximizing chances and opportunities. However, I believe equally as strongly, if not more, that men should pursue women and be chivalrous. This is not old-fashioned. It is being respectful. In the beginning of the relationship, he should consistently call to ask you out. He should pay on the date, walk you to your doorstep, and be complimentary. As your bond progresses, there should still be aspects of the relationships that he regularly puts effort into, as should you. Smart women want a gentleman, not a flat-out punk. If you want to be treated this way, you need to give off the impression that you are not the girl of the moment. Instead, show him you are the woman of a lifetime.
6. Date with a vision.
In order to get what you want out of your relationship, you need to date with the future in mind. Sure, some people enjoy casual dating and short-term flings during college and their early-twenties. That is fine and normal- they are only figuring out what they want. Yet, when both parties date with insight and consideration of what is ahead, the relationship becomes like an investment. The cards are on the table, you will actually see how compatible you really are with one another. This all ties in with my previous tips, which will make your relationship more worthwhile and a better experience for both of you. And, dating with a vision does not mean you are obsessed on a husband hunt and not having fun. No, on the contrary. You are simply focused on finding the best match for yourself and enjoying getting to know guys in the process. An open-minded vision, if you will!