As an international student from Indonesia studying at a public university in Maryland, my first two years in college was hard.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to reinvent yourself in college. With the new people around you, the change in scenery, and independence, you’re tempted to leave the past locked up.
I wanted to let go of all the mistakes I had made back home and start with a clean slate. Of course, that didn’t work out. Now at the start of my junior year, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t tried so hard to shut out where I came from.
Photo by Jash Chhabria on Unsplash
I grew up in the city of Jakarta and went to a British school. I was surrounded by other privileged Indonesian kids as well as expats. I always knew I was going to be able to afford college and the thought of where to go never concerned me which is why I didn’t realize the impact of going to a college where no one shared the same experience I had growing up was going to be challenging.
I don’t resent choosing the school I’m in, but I do regret not being honest about who I am to the new people I’ve met. (Most of the people I met were born and raised in Maryland. Some grew up having alpacas on their farms). I couldn’t relate to them and their values differed from mine. I wanted to be in D.C. on Friday nights at Happy Hour eating $7 kale nachos while all the freshies wanted to get wasted at the bars near campus. I feared the rejection of saying what I wanted and was afraid to ask if anyone else would to do what I wanted. I didn’t want to be vulnerable.
Photo by Eaters Collective on Unsplash
It’s definitely hard to stand out in a crowd where everyone wants to fit in and find commonalities because it’s so easy to feel alone in college despite there being thousands of students around you. I felt this sense of loneliness every day and it was like poison burning inside me. I couldn’t find deep meaningful relationships because people didn’t understand me. To sum it up, it was hard for me to simply say:
Hey. I’m not from here. I’m different… and yes I don’t have an accent.
I’m going to be a junior in the fall and my goal is to be able to put a little more of myself out there. I want to be confident and live my life the way I want to without fear of judgment and affirmation from others. I know it’ll be an ongoing process, but reflecting on my last two years of experience I want to be able to explore and grow my own understanding of the world around me and myself, before working a 9 to 5 desk job and drinking wine in my free time.