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This is what I was thinking as I perched uncomfortably on the edge of a chair, facing a resident director who assured me that it had been a wise idea to consult her.
This is what I was thinking as I shook hands with a campus lieutenant and later met with a representative of the Department of Information Technology.
It’s what I was thinking as a judicial committee sat before me and told me to describe what happened, and as I walked back to my room after a long adjudication process.
This is what I think as I walk around campus.
But wait, the strong me says, nobody likes a bully.
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In elementary school, the bully is the big kid on the playground—the one who stole crucial elements of your lunch just thirty minutes before; the one who teases you about your clothes and stature and everything under the sun. Think of Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons, obnoxious guffaw and all.
The grade school setting is a popular first image to appear in one’s mind on the subject of bullying. Anne-Marie Botek, staff writer for online community AgingCare.com, points out that bullying “is usually thought of as territory of the young.” We don’t typically doubt the correlation between bullying and immaturity. Moreover, because immaturity is seen as a natural attribute of children, child bullying is easily marginalized. Says Botek, “As people age we expect them to become more mature, more skillful at handling interpersonal conflict.”
Botek’s article, “Elderly Bullies Prove That Immaturity Has No Age Limit,” violates the aforementioned expectation. She writes, “The cattiness and aggressive tendencies of our youth are not automatically erased as the years accumulate.”
Sometimes the budding bully does not efface the behavior; rather, he or she transitions to a different territory, analogous with the next stage of development. For many in the adolescent/young adult/adult stages, this new territory is the Internet. Where else can you mount your high horse so proudly and freely without ever having taken riding lessons?
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I could tell you what I told the committee; I could tell you when the anonymous messages lost their amusing touch. I could tell you about my increased insecurities, doubts, hostilities, and paranoia, not just in the virtual environment but around campus and towards other people. I could tell you the language of the message that impelled me to consult authorities.
But, even though their behavior is considered bullying or harassment by the standard definition of “systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one party or group, including threats and demands,” it wasn’t their personal opinion that was wrong. It was the persistence, the catch-22 implying that the messages would keep coming no matter what.
It was the power that they took away. Sometimes I get socially agoraphobic; sometimes I am too paranoid to get food alone. Then I have random surges of confidence. Tired of hiding under a rock, I reconnect and rebuild; I share information. But as I step into this sunlight, I fear the exposure once more.
This is my choice—my coping method. One day, I might build the online persona and extensive sharing network that others in my age group are enjoying. For now, it’s all about baby steps—and this marks one of them.
Nobody likes a tattle-tale, but nobody likes a bully.
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Top image courtesy of simpsons.wikia.com