Since I was 5-years-old, I’ve been searching for my Prince Charming. If you asked me in kindergarten if I believed in true love, I would have smiled, giggled, and nodded my head.
If you asked me now, I would easily laugh in your face. Watching TV growing up consisted of Disney movie after Disney movie. When I was little, love at first sight seemed plausible and falling in love with a beast seemed nothing shy of ordinary.
However, Disney movies taught me practically nothing valuable, let alone realistic, about love. Instead, the likelihood that I work my entire life to look hot so I can marry a guy that is rich and famous is much more probable.
Luckily, I dumped water on my Disney princess VHSs when I was 13, leaving me unable to relive the traumatizing lessons that tainted my perception of love. Not all, however, are as lucky as me. For those of you who still believe that “a dream that you wish will come true,” take a second glance at your faves, because they might be problematic.
Cinderella
Besides marrying someone she just met who is rich and famous, Cinderella transformed herself from a live-in maid to a glamorous princess. So basically, if you want to impress a guy, you should just change what you look like and pretend you’re someone else because some hunky bachelor is bound to fall in love with you.
I learned that exposing your imperfections could totally turn a guy off and when you change everything about yourself, you’ll be immediately swept off your feet and inevitably fall in love.
So there it is: first comes loves, then comes marriage, then Cinderella 2 and 3 to prove that Cinderella and her prince totally lived happily ever after. So yeah, the dreams that we wish will hundo-percent come true!
The Little Mermaid
I wasn’t allowed to wear a 2-piece bathing suit until basically yesterday, so the fact that Ariel was 16 and wearing two purple seashells to barely conceal her unrealistically hot body is total BS. Before even watching the movie, I was convinced that wearing fewer clothes would make boys fall in love with me.
So looks are really all that matters! I mean, Prince Eric did fall for a complete stranger who was stalking him for who knows how long, so that must mean love at first sight is a real thing.
But wait, it gets worse! Ariel deliberately disobeyed her dad, which led her to live happily ever after. Maybe Mom and Dad really don’t know best.
Worst of all, The Little Mermaid taught me that I should do anything and everything to get the guy. Ariel traded her voice for legs. Making a deal with the devil can actually bring positive results! Who knew?
(Also, just a disclaimer, unless you are Beyoncé, there’s negative chance a guy is going to fall in love with you based on your singing voice. Sorry :/)
Beauty and the Beast
So let’s disregard the whole ‘Belle falls in love with an animal’ thing and talk about how Beauty and the Beast is a portrait of abuse. It emphasizes how abusive guys can really be good guys; you just have to be super patient with them! Yeah, that totally happens in real life!
Belle literally falls in love with her captor. Can someone say Stockholm Syndrome? From Beauty and the Beast, I learned that kidnapping is okay and being treated poorly is actually a sign of true love. Who knew?
Sleeping Beauty
Let us take a moment or two to acknowledge the fact that Aurora wandered into the forest, found a hot guy, and ended up falling head over heels for him. Oh yeah, that totally happens in real life! So basically it’s totally okay for me to immediately fall in love with a stranger, especially if he’s a hot guy because c’mon, hot guys never do anything wrong.
Besides the total implausibility of that happening in real life, the entire story is surrounded by Aurora’s dream of falling in love. She literally has zero goals or ambitions (hence the reason she is asleep half the movie) and is so desperate, she’s willing to fall for the stranger in the woods. Sounds like a great idea!
Snow White
Like Sleeping Beauty, consent doesn’t seem to be an option for Snow White! While she is asleep, helpless and vulnerable, Prince Ferdinand lays one right on her.
But it’s true love’s first kiss, my ass. There’s no way that anyone can say it was true love’s kiss if the chick is passed out in a coffin. So now I’ve learned that consent doesn’t matter at all because it’s probably true love’s kiss.
Also, Snow White literally waits around, cooking and singing to seven dwarves, waiting for a man to save her. Don’t believe me? Her words verbatim are, “Someday my prince will come.” So maybe if I wait around serving men long enough, my prince will come too! I’m counting the days!
I could go on and on about the false expectations of love that Disney so happily planted in my mind, but I think you get the idea. Love in real life is not nearly as magical as love in Disney movies. That is, of course, unless you really do find your Prince Charming, which in that case deserves more than just happily ever after. ;)