10 People You’ll Be Seeing at this Year’s Thanksgiving Table


The Turn Up Queen: 

She’s a self-diagnosed cougar with the spirit of a Jersey Shore cast member and the cleavage of…a Jersey Shore cast member. You love her for the hot mess that she is, but it’s three drinks into dinner and now everyone’s uncomfortable. Just be a team player and breathe through her sex tips and wild party anecdotes. Who knows? Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll sneak you a sip of Pinot Grigio from the wine bra she’s been drinking from all night long. 

The Newbie: 

Your cousin decided to take her relationship to the next level by bringing her first serious boyfriend to the hell hole you guys call a family gathering. He’s a nervous wreck wearing a quirky sweater vest and his heart on his sleeve. And yet, every other man at the table seems to want to run the poor guy off for good! Grab some front row seats because it’s about to go DOWN before they even carve the turkey. 

The Kiddies: 

They giggle at everything you say and never give you the side eye when you tell them you’re still single. Sure, they drool, spill, and run in circles every two minutes. But when things get hectic at the grownups table, they’re great for innocent laughs. 

The Instigator: 

You’ll never understand the way he eats, sleeps, and breathes the NBA. But somewhere in between Black Friday shopping and the polar vortex, he mentioned the Cleveland Cavaliers and now dinner feels like some great debate on ESPN. Silently eat your stuffing because this will take a while… 

The Girl Crush:

She’s basically walking perfection. Wildly smart, crazy beautiful, and on top of everything, the sweetest girl in the room! Meanwhile you’re alone in the kitchen helping yourself to a fifth slice of pumpkin pie, wondering why you suck at life. 

The REAL Crush:

He’s the cute neighbor down the street who your parents have continually forced you to hang out with since you were both toddlers. He thinks of you as his sister but as far as your mother (and you) are concerned, you two are practically engaged. 

The Random Relative:

You have no idea what, why, when, where, and who this woman is. And yet, she’s the first to pinch your cheeks and squeal about how big you’ve gotten since she last saw you. As unfamiliar as she is, fake the excitement and give her a compliment. She is family after all.

The Master Chef:

She’s made of 100% “wifey” material and everything she made tonight is BEYONCE flawless. When you stop stuffing your face long enough to look up from the plate, make buddy-buddy with that woman! She’s sure to have tons of tricks up her sleeve. 

The Dieter: 

Out of all the days of the year, she chose Thanksgiving to quit carbs, meat, butter, sugar, cream, starch, gluten, happiness, etc. You think this whole thing is ridiculous but hey, if she only wants a cup of ice water and seven string beans, who are you to stop her? 

The High School Bestie: 

It’s been three months since you both parted ways and now you’re finally reunited with the friend who knows you better than anyone! Of course, you two spend hours snickering under the table and creating even more inside jokes than you already had.