This time of year, when you come home from college and all your family is around, you know to expect a million questions about school, life, your eating habits, your drinking habits, and your lack of a relationship. Instead of having an all-out brawl with your crazy wine-drunk aunt at the dinner table, use some of the strategic sentences below to avoid conflict and (even worse) any potential follow-up questions.
Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?
What you want to say: I don’t really want to spend more than an hour at a time with the guy I’ve been hooking up with.
What you should say: I’ve been really focusing on me and my studies lately. I want to find myself before I’ve found a man. Why not be the best you can be, right?
What did you do last night?
What you want to say: Definitely didn’t go out for Black Wednesday and celebrate seeing all my hometown friends by doing 10 shots of tequila.
What you should say: Grabbed dinner with some high school friends and had one glass of wine. Reminisced.
Why did you dye your hair? Your natural brown was so pretty.
What you want to say: Because I still looked 14 and also that awful brown color makes my face look fat.
What you should say: I just wanted a change.
What are you going to do with that communications degree?
What you want to say: Get a job? You know everything surrounding you is made possible through communications, right?
What you should say: I made some networking connections through my internship and I’ve been keeping in touch with them so I’ll have a job out of college.
You want to do WHAT as a job? That’s not a job. Good luck.
What you want to say: It’s me working and making money. I think that constitutes a job.
What you should say: The market for that is actually pretty open right now, and it’s always different so I’m excited about it.
Are you sleeping enough? You look tired.
What you want to say: Yeah, Aunt Karen, I look tired because I have a massive hangover and I go out four nights a week on a regular basis.
What you should say: I try to get 6 hours of sleep per night, but studying is pretty demanding. It’ll pay off, though.
Are you sure you want dessert? You’re looking a little pudgy.
What you want to say: This pie is the entire reason I sat through this meal. I’m positive I want dessert.
What you should say: I’ve been trying to work out more. I think I’ll have dessert this one time.
How’s [insert high school ex-boyfriend’s name here]? Have you talked to him recently? He’s such a sweet boy.
What you want to say: Actually, I drunk dialed him last night and the conversation was a mix of me yelling and crying. So things are going well.
What you should say: No, I haven’t. We don’t chat much anymore, it’s probably for the best.
God speed, collegiettes, and remember, you can’t answer questions and drink a bottle of Riesling at the same time.