I spent the first few days of college softly crying into my pillow as I went to sleep. I hoped my roommate couldn’t hear by sniffles, and tried desperately to hide my sadness from anyone I encountered. I worried that my fears and doubts existed in isolation. I started to think that it was just me.
This was almost 4 years ago, and I can still remember how I felt when my time at Marist College first began. It was my first time away from home for an extended period of time, and I was terrified. All of my worries became overwhelming anxieties that took over my existence and, as a result, hindered any chance of progress. I felt lost–I felt lost for most of Freshman year.
I questioned everything after that first year. I wondered whether or not I had chosen the right school. I wondered why I felt so anxious all of the time. I wondered why I couldn’t find any friendships that actually stuck. I wondered how I would survive staying in a place I felt so uncomfortable in.
Now, I wonder how I’ll ever possibly leave.
When I was 18 and crying to my mom about how I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t know that I would find some of my closest friends just a few short months later. When I felt trapped in my small dorm room, I didn’t know that I would soon get to travel the world in a study abroad program. When I feared that I wouldn’t find success, I didn’t realize that I would obtain dream internship opportunities that open up a world of possibilities. When I thought that there must be something wrong with me, since I found college life so difficult, I didn’t know that every freshman felt the same way. When I hated myself for struggling, I didn’t know that I would gain a confidence and love for myself in a way that I never could have dreamed of.
My time at Marist has been bumpy, but I wouldn’t trade the tears and pain for anything. I’ve grown so much from my time here, and I feel more ready to take on all of life’s challenges than ever before.
The place I so desperately wanted to escape has become my home, and as graduation approaches, I look forward to my next trek.