We latch onto calling out red flags when one of our best friends starts dating someone we don’t like. If you’re keen to red flags like me, you may even recognize red flags in the person you’re interested in, then either choose to back away or consciously overlook them (the latter was not my best idea). A lot of people give off signals that it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with them; but have you ever thought that maybe you’re the one giving off red flags? I recently realized that I do this, and it’s time to take a look at why a lot of us may do so, whether it be consciously or subconsciously.
Everyone’s definition of a “red flag” is different, but there are probably some universals. For instinct, if you’re dating a guy who’s rude to his mom– run. And if you are rude to his mom, then you’re waving the flags (oh, and get some manners. Also– have you ever made a man’s mom like you better than her own son? It feels great). But if you disagree with each other from a moral standpoint, maybe you’re supposed to see certain things as “red flags” because you just are not a match. For instance, if you’re an Instagram underwear model, he may see that as a red flag. But to you, him looking down on you for being an underwear model is a red flag itself. Do what you want as long as it’s true to who you are, and if they don’t like it, you have no space for them in your life. It’s simply not a match.
You could also accidentally or (if you’re like me) purposely say things to someone you’re interested in in order to make someone question you/push them away, and that could happen for a lot of reasons. Some people may feel they don’t deserve the attention or love (hint: you do), but for me personally, it’s not that; rather, it’s fear. Relationship traumas from the past can last for years, and make you want to give signals to someone you don’t like that much, so they kind of know that you’re going to leave and they’re not blindsided; or they can cause you to push someone away, even if you like them because letting them go early on will hurt a lot less than letting your feelings grow and then getting further traumatized later on.
For me, these red flags often manifest by me saying things as a “joke.” I’ve said things like “I can turn my feelings off whenever,” “I dissociate when I get emotions,” “I didn’t have a lot of feelings for my ex,” and laughed while saying, “nah, I’m not the type to screw someone over.” Regardless of whether some of these were true or exaggerated, I know I have thrown things in like this to chase someone away, even if I did like them. But pushing away people and purposely sending off red flags can work, and a small miscommunication can destroy a connection.
I figure that if I do it, some of you must too. So, knock it off! Yes, this is a defense mechanism designed to keep you on top of your dating life. Ignoring red flags in either a partner or yourself will only cost you more later.