I have always known that I am adopted. My parents never had a sit down talk with me to explain it all to me– I just knew when I was young and they answered all my questions along the way. They’ve always been more than supportive when it comes to learning more about where– and who– I come from.
In short, while my birth mother was still pregnant with me, she realized she wouldn’t be able to support me, so she arranged my adoption before I was born. My adoptive parents, Bob and Sue, were looking for a baby to adopt, and their adoption agency sent their information to other agencies all over. My birth mother came across their profile, reached out to them, and even says she had a dream about my adoptive family, and that’s how she made up her mind about who I should end up with. When I was born, my adoptive family flew from Massachusetts to California to pick me up, and my adoption was made official a few months later!
I have had a lot of struggles with being adopted. I’ve often felt like I’m not good enough, and that when I was born, I wasn’t even good enough for my own mother. My biological siblings didn’t even know about me, which even made me feel like someone’s dirty little secret. I was obsessed with my birth mom as a child. I wrote down every question I would ask her when I met her, wrote letters to her without even sending them, and even made some of my school projects about her. I created a totally idealized image of what she looked or acted like, based off of only what my parents learned about her in the few days they met her while picking me up.
After a while I started to move away from that idealized image and just stopped thinking about my adoption altogether. Some events happened in relation to finding out information about my adoption that led me to separate myself from it entirely. The feelings of not being good enough came in full force, and I even became extremely anxious because of these events. I struggled to remind myself that I, in fact, am good enough and even do deserve love from others.
For about four years, I stopped thinking about my adoption altogether. I stopped formulating questions I was going to ask my birth mother, how I would get to know my birth siblings, and entirely gave up the idea of meeting them all one day. I blocked out all thoughts of my birth family. Then one day I got a Facebook message from my birth mother. I freaked out. I didn’t even think she would ever reach out– I thought I would have to be the one to initiate contact. I was genuinely shocked. My mom was the one who encouraged me to read it, then encouraged me to follow my heart.
I decided to answer her message. I was hesitant to give too much away, and I told her that. I told her everything I was feeling, and that was good to get off my chest. I told her I couldn’t continue to develop a relationship with her until my biological siblings knew about me. I didn’t want to be a secret anymore. It took her a few months to tell her kids, as it is a really big secret.
Surprisingly, we actually talked more before she told her kids than we have since. Contact seemed to drop off afterwards, and now we really only talk when big things happen in either of our lives, or when I need to know some family medical information necessary if I get sick or something.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from all of this is to value the people who value you. My parents and sister have always been there for me, and my friends and boyfriend stand by my side through everything. I have learned to be thankful for the family I ended up with. My birth mother was responsible for finding the hands who would care for me on a daily basis, and any family she picked would go an entirely different direction.
Everyone’s life is undetermined when they come into this world, some more than others. I believe mine had the chance of going any which way, and I have learned to be appreciative for the life I ended up with, and more importantly, the home I ended up in. If you can learn anything from my experience of being adopted, it is to be thankful for the family and loved ones you have. If you have a loving, supportive family who has been by your side your whole life, be grateful for them. Family isn’t always guaranteed.