I never thought the voicemail my Grandma left me for my birthday would be the last time I would hear her voice. Three days later I got the call from my Mom that my Grandma was in hospice and that it wouldn’t be much longer.
Growing up, family was always #1 in my life. Basically, you mess with my family, you mess with me. I was lucky enough to have been raised partly by my Grandma and Grandpa when my parents had to go to work. My grandparents lived with us, so when I had to escape, their apartment (attached to my house) was always a great option. Forever ingrained in my mind are the countless memories with them. The cooking, playing outside, countless Western movies we watched, and of course, all of the cookies I managed to steal over the years. We had a relationship unlike any other. I honestly don’t even know how to put it into words.
When my Grandpa passed away in 2012, my Grandma changed. Her health declined, and after multiple trips to the hospital, my family made the decision that she needed 24/7 care. She needed to go on dialysis, and where we lived, there was always the possibility of not being able to get to the dialysis center when the roads were bad during the winter. After she got to Gurwin, which is by far one of the best nursing homes on Long Island, she was doing better and had an amazing roommate named Rona. They did everything together- from going to Bingo nights to watching the Yankee games in their room. I hadn’t seen my Grandma that happy in a very long time.
By then, I had made the decision to attend college about 4 hours away. It was a very tough decision- I loved the school (at the time), and it gave me everything I had wanted, except for the location. I ultimately made the decision to go there, knowing I would not see my family as much as I was used to. It was a very hard adjustment, but it helped that we FaceTimed often. I even still have one of the screenshots I took when facetiming my grandma for her 84th birthday. I was sad I couldn’t be there, but my family did an amazing job of including me over FaceTime for just about any occasion.
When I decided to transfer to Manhattan, I breathed a sigh of relief. My Grandma’s health had deteriorated, and my family knew that it was only a matter of time. We had never expected it to go as fast as it did. I took comfort in the fact that I would be closer to her for the time we had left together.
It was my birthday, and after class I had gotten a voicemail from my Grandma. I was rushing to my next class, and it slipped my mind to call her back. I had planned to that night, but it was such a long day. I had recruitment for the sorority, and the next thing I knew it was three days later, and I was getting the call from my mom. I went home the next morning and I knew that it was the end. Everyone in my family was there. I remember walking into the room and all I felt was shock. I wasn’t ready, and either was anyone else. Not even a few hours later, my Grandma passed away.
Ever since she passed, a part of me has been missing, and I can’t even begin to articulate how that makes me feel. I almost feel as if I’m going through life with her still living, we just don’t talk anymore. I see signs that she is around sometimes, but I honestly don’t think I will ever be the same person again. Yes, I am so happy right now about where I am at in my life, but I want her here with me.
After Thanksgiving, I got my first tattoo in her honor. She always signed her cards “Love, Grandma and Grandpa” even after my Grandpa had passed. I decided that I wanted that little piece of love with me all the time. So, this is what I did:
Having this piece of her with me has helped, but I will never be the same, and neither will anyone who was close to her. She truly was an amazing person, an amazing wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and friend.
I still have the voicemail she left me complimenting my first few HC articles from 2017 from when I first began writing. I wish she was here now to see what HC at Manhattan has turned into. But if you are like me, trying to find your way without a person you love, just know that even if you feel like you’ll never be the same, that person will always be with you.