Many have mixed emotions about Valentine’s Day. There always seems to be a polarizing presence of both heartbroken cynics who refuse to celebrate and happy couples that spend the day relishing in their relationships. This year, I don’t necessarily feel like I fall into either category. With my feelings about the holiday being neutral, I wanted to take the opportunity to challenge myself in a way that I haven’t done before: I am going to be my own valentine.
I know that this sounds more than a little cheesy, but I promise that my intention behind it is much less so. As a woman in her twenties, I often feel subject to criticism in so many areas of life. Along with that, I have found myself struggling to validate my own worth outside of the male gaze and patriarchal standards for women my age. I’m sure that many of you reading this can relate, because it seems that this experience for women is universal. However, living in a pandemic for almost a year has changed the way that I see myself in regards to love and relationships.
Through the messiness of huge life changes and the loss of our “normal” routines, I found myself getting lost down a rabbit hole of dating app matches that left me with fleeting feelings of confidence and happiness. The more I swiped or liked, the more I craved the messages that confirmed my attractiveness or desirability. This external validation that you can receive online is what I thought would fill the void of loss that the pandemic had brought me. Boy, was I naive.
What I realized about this toxic process is that it will repeat itself until I can actually give myself the foundation of love that I desire. However, in a world dominated by influencers, ads and the media constantly telling you how to look and who to be, an act of self-love can be seen as an act of rebellion. These institutions prey on our insecurities to continue to profit off of them. But what if we all just loved ourselves the way that we were? What if we all decided that we have value regardless of our size, shape, or identity?
There is a famous line from the book Perks of Being a Wallflower that says, “we accept the love that we think we deserve.” This gives me reason to think that if we all believed that we deserved the most pure and unconditional love, then we could all have it. The point of this article is not to tell you to go out and find love in a pandemic, but to propose a profound idea that we all have the ability to give that love to ourselves.
So, how am I going to be my own valentine? I’m going to love myself in the ways that I feel most loved by others. My love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service, so each day I’m going to give myself one complement and do one kind thing for myself. If this sounds like it would be difficult to you, then this might be a sign that it’s exactly what you’re needing most right now.
I’d also like to make a disclaimer that I’m in no way a perfect model for self-love. Most days it’s what I struggle with most! Nevertheless, I can still try to do the best that I can with what resources I have, and I encourage you all to do the same. Whether this Valentine’s day you buy yourself flowers, bake your favorite cookies or wear a cute outfit on a solo coffee date, I hope you do what makes you feel most loved.