R&B icon, R. Kelly, has been under fire lately for his sexual abuse allegations. The “I Believe I Can Fly” star has been accused of sexual misconduct, sexual assault and child pornography. His ex-wife Andrea Kelly was arguably one of R. Kelly’s longest victims.
Drea was married to the singer from 1996-2009. She is a choreographer, dancer and Chicago native who shared her story of abuse several times after the couple’s divorce. She has spoken out in interviews, her documentary, and most recently in the Lifetime special, “Surviving R. Kelly.”
In a one-on-one interview, Kelly opened up about more than she’s told the mainstream media, including what it was like being abused by a prominent star, the flaws in how society handles sexual abuse and why social movements often fail victims of color.
What would you say is the biggest misconception about sexual assault?
“That women set themselves up for it. That we outwardly did something that drew it to us. Which is sickening in itself to think that any woman got dressed and decided that, ‘I’m gonna put on my little black dress, and I hope a rapist really likes this one on me.’ That’s almost how society flips it on women to make us believe that we outwardly did something to invite it to us. It is so crazy. And then I think also that women are put in a position to almost prove their innocence of their sexuality when men don’t have to do it. They can walk around with their shirt off. But if a woman were to grope them, they’d be like ‘omg.’ But as women we are put in a position where we have to prove we didn’t put it on to turn on a man. And it’s like first of all, I get dressed to be beautiful for me. I put it on because I want to look good in it. A man’s opinion was the last thing I was thinking when I got dressed, but for some reason, society makes women feel like we have to prove that that was not our motive in getting dressed to go out – which is crazy.”
What steps do you recommend taking for people who know someone who is being abused?
“Support. And be careful with your language because some people say ‘Well I just don’t understand.’ We know you don’t understand because you’re not in it. So you must be very careful because when you say ‘I don’t understand’ to someone that’s being abused and victimized. That to us sounds like ‘I’m alienated. No one believes me.’ So you’re ‘understand’ reads ‘I don’t believe you’ to a victim. Also, don’t tell a victim ‘I don’t understand why you’re lying to me. You don’t have to lie to me. Just tell me the truth. Is he hitting you? Are you being abused?’ At the end of the day, victims are not just lying to lie, they are lying because they are ashamed. And it’s not so much that they’re ashamed of the abuse because they understand it’s the other person’s problem. They’re more ashamed that ‘I allowed another human being to treat me this way. And I don’t have the strength or the courage to walk away from it. So what I’ll do instead of being vulnerable and putting out my weakness, I’ll just lie and say it never happened.”
As an African-American woman, have you faced discrimination in the workplace?
“Definitely. We have to prove ourselves ten times over. It’s almost like we can walk in with a resume, but as a black woman, you better have a resume and a display. Take fashion for example. I love fashion design – been doing it since I was in the sixth grade. I was in the Bob Mackie program. So you say ‘Well this is what I do.’ They say, ‘Well let me see some of your work.’ And you show them and they say, ‘Well let me see some of your samples.’ And you show them your samples. And they say ‘who was the person that sold this?’ And it’s like hold on. Wait a minute. I really have to have a resume and a display to get where somebody else could probably just get in and fanagle it. Lie about it. And you just read it.”
What is your advice for women who have faced discrimination in the workplace?
“Just be prepared. So that you’re not taken aback or caught off guard. Because that which with you’re prepared for, can’t catch you off guard. So you have to go into it knowing I got to come in here with a resume and a display. Just accept it. It is what it is. But make it so undeniable, what can they say at the end of the day? You have to come triple prepared. Is it fair? No. But it is what it is. So I would give people the advice of don’t take it personal, at the end of the day. And it’s very difficult to do. Because when we put our personal feelings into, sometimes it doesn’t allow our best us to show up.”
Why do you feel some victims of sexual abuse don’t report it?
“Fear. When sexual abuse comes along or even if its domestic violence – physical abuse or mental abuse – you are so afraid because you have to think ‘this abuser harmed me when I thought I was doing everything right. So imagine what he’s going to do to me if I do something wrong. This person abused me when I did everything they said to do. So imagine what they’ll do to me if I go against what they said.’ So there is a constant Catch 22 for a victim because it’s like ‘Oh my god, he half-killed me, and I was there and didn’t call the police. Now if I call the police on him, they arrest him, and he gets out, now he’s really mad at me. If I report it, he’s really mad at me. What do I do?’ So you almost feel like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So it’s a very difficult place to be in. Its like playing russian roulette to save your own life because you don’t know what that outcome is going to be. At the end of the day people see you reporting a monster but they don’t understand as a victim you live with that monster. So on your good days, your bad days, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, I have to deal with this monster. Y’all only have to deal with him because I reported it.”
So do you think it’s the same for women in the workplace who have to face sexual misconduct?
“It is. It is that same fear. As women we can’t win for losing. I have to deal with that same sexual misconduct if I have jeans on and I’m definitely going to deal with it if I have a short miniskirt on. At the end of the day, you could have on a tank top and somebody wants to talk about your boobs. And they tell you it’s inappropriate and that you need to cover up. Why is a woman’s body inappropriate? We need to change that narrative. The woman’s body is beautiful, and it’s not inappropriate. It’s someone’s behavior towards her because of her beautiful body that’s inappropriate. And I think that we if start to change that narrative people would see. Again, it’s a Catch 22 for women. The very things we get harassed for are the very things that we get put on the pedestal for. Your boobs. Your small waist. Your big butt. Your pretty face. They’re the things we celebrate in women but because we have it, you all then feel like you have the right to harass me because of it. But then if you come to work with no makeup on, sweatpants and a sweatshirt, people say ‘Why aren’t you dressed up? Do something with your hair. Put some makeup on. Put on a better fitting shirt. You can’t come to work like that.’ So if I don’t come dressed sexy, I’ll get fired. And if I come dressed sexy, get harassed and report it, I’m going to get fired. People don’t understand the hell you go through just waking up, being a woman on this planet. When I say we are the ultimate superhero, we are.”
What kind of effect did dating someone so prominent and powerful have on the way you handled the situation?
“It made me very cautious with how I had to handle the situation. Knowing my daughter was born, it was amazing how on the maternity floor, they called her the ‘I believe I can fly baby’. Didn’t even know her name. All they knew was that it was R-Kelly’s wife’s baby. That made me very aware that my precious moments – be it good or bad – are not just mine. So I knew that dealing with abuse and coming forward I often referenced to Juanita Bynam – doctor and pastor. When she was came forward – her nurse put out her pictures of the domestic violence she had gone through. And that’s a very dark and scary moment because of a little bit of money, you decided you were gonna put the pictures out there. So that even played in my mind. Because at the end of the day, we’re not just the Joneses next door. You’re talking about R-Kelly and his then wife. So that’s a way for you to monetize my pain. That’s why it’s very difficult for high-profile. Because people don’t have the respect of your pain like they would the woman next door.”
In an interview with the talk show, The Sister Circle, you said “My family went to the Chicago Sun Times when they couldn’t get in contact with me”. Why do you think you did this? Why are journalists an outlet for so many victims?
“I am isolated from the world. And [journalists] are in the world. So if they can get a word to the world that I can’t even get to an aunt or my dad, I am going to use that. Somebody somewhere is gonna read it and see it. It’s almost like journalists are your smoke signal when you have else nothing left. You’ll light the match and they’ll smell the smoke. In today’s world, people don’t respect journalism for how great it can be because it has been so over saturated. There are a lot of people out here with blogs and call themselves journalists that talk about gossip that they don’t know. And there are people out here now that don’t fact check. And there are a lot of people who run blogs based off their opinion. I wish there was that old school journalism where you could pick up the phone and call and they fact check to make sure that’s the person they were talking to. We just don’t have that anymore. And it’s sad because it’s a way to save lives. And unfortunately in today’s society, it’s also a way to ruin lives by disseminating lies, gossipping, and sensationalizing stories. It’s really not about saving lives and educating people anymore.”
Did the #Metoo movement encourage you or assist you in breaking your silence?
“Actually, it did not. It was a young lady that I saw on “The Real.” For a while, I knew I had to tell my story. But I had to pray and ask God first to know when. I also needed my children’s approval. Because what I do affects my children. I was not prepared for the victim shaming and blaming that I went through. It was seeing the girl on the Real and the words she spoke rang true to my spirit. Because I went through what she was saying verbatim. At the end of the day, if I felt I could bring validity to what she’s been through and these other victims coming forward, people would realize they need to pay attention. But unfortunately being a brown woman in America, we are the last on the totem pole. If my name was Becky, it wouldn’t have taken this long. It wouldn’t be this many victims. It would be one and done. And that’s why I’m here. My movement is domestic violence awareness 365. That’s my movement. Because I feel like women are losing their lives every minute of every hour of every day of every month all during the year. I thank #Metoo and all of the other movements for what they’ve done. But for me, it was a personal thing that I had to come forward because I was connected to them.”