Are you anxious, avoidant, or secure in relationships?
This may seem like a daunting question, but these are simply the 3 categories used to describe the main attachment styles in relationships. Most people assess themselves in this way to explain how they are in romantic relationships, because it’s important to know where you and your romantic partner stand with attachment.
How do I find out?
If you aren’t sure which attachment style you have, here’s a basic 5 minute quiz to get an idea of it:
Of course, this quiz is not all encompassing, but may answer a few questions you may have about yourself in relationships.
If you want a more detailed and complex assessment for attachment style, you can take THIS 20 MINUTE QUIZ on psychology today. The results cost $6.95!
So, let’s say you took the quiz, you already knew what your style is, or you have a strong inclination that you may know what it is. If you have an anxious attachment style, welcome to the club.
I am overall an anxious person, which obviously manifests in my relationships, particularly romantic ones. This means that my attachment style is categorized as anxious.
What does “anxious attachment” mean?
If you have an anxious attachment style (also known as “preoccupied”), it means you may have a general fear of rejection and abandonment, so you crave “appreciation, attention, and support” in order to seek validation from your partner and feel secure in your relationship (according to Attachment Project’s article “Anxious Attachment: Causes and Symptoms”).
This attachment style commonly stems from childhood trauma, or inconsistent and/or neglectful parents. This is not true for everyone though, including me. I have happily married and very attentive parents, but I’m anxious anyways… oop!
So, if you have anxious attachment style habits, such as constantly needing validation from your romantic partner through attention and appreciation, this may cause you to feel dependent on your partner to feel good about yourself, which is never good in a relationship. You have to find validation within yourself and feel confident that you would be alright by yourself. How can you fully love someone else if you don’t fully love yourself?
But how does one achieve this, you may ask. It doesn’t happen overnight, but there are a few practices you can implement into your day-to-day life to avoid using your anxious mind to make decisions in relationships, and feel more secure and independent. These steps are also mentioned in Integrative Life Center’s explanation of “Anxious-Preoccupied Style”
How to get over anxious attachment style:
- Self-Reflect Learn more about your attachment style, and become conscious of your habits and how that may stem from your anxiety. Self-awareness is the first step towards self-improvement. Being hyper-aware of your anxious attachment habits will wire you to correct those habits and try to stop continuing them.
- Communicate With Your Partner
After learning and reflecting on your style, if you are in a romantic relationship or any relationship that you feel needs some repairing, let your partner know of this information. Talk it out with them, it doesn’t have to be a long and miserable conversation, it could be simply letting them know that this is how you tend to be in relationships, and you are trying to work through it. This will encourage them to become aware of your habits and their own, and create a healthier dynamic for both of you, where you feel comfortable enough to communicate when you’re feeling anxious, or insecure about anything going on in the relationship.
- Find a Partner With Secure Attachment Style
This may be a difficult task, and it is often hard to gage early on in a relationship what attachment style your partner may have, but if you start to pick up on signs that they may be super anxious or avoidant, maybe take that into account and reconsider whether they are the best match for you at the moment. If you are anxious, life will be inherently easier if your partner is secure.
- Mediate.
This seems too simple to be true, but trust me, it works. Meditation practices help you to ground yourself in the present moment, and realize that most of your anxieties are either about future events that you cannot control, or are things that you can’t even prove would actually happen. It will also bring you a period of calm and peace to your day that you may not otherwise experience. Anxiety often tells you to sweat the small stuff, but practicing daily or weekly meditation will help you realize that the small stuff really doesn’t matter. After all, we are just tiny beings in an infinite universe, so worrying about whether your partner will respond to your text today really has no greater meaning in the long run. But that’s a bigger discussion for another time.