I have unfortunately had my fair share of experiences with those who present clear tendencies of narcissistic personality disorder or are suffering from the personality disorder. As a disclaimer, I want to make it clear that diagnosing someone without their knowledge or consent is unethical; however, calling out behaviors that show clear alignment with NPD is not harmful. Furthermore, especially when recovering from a dynamic where those behaviors have negatively affected you, it is essential to correctly recognize those behaviors in order to properly heal from the experience. Additionally, I will be referring to the population as potential narcissists to avoid a generalization of people suffering from the disorder and allow nuance to enter the conversation.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
According to Mayo Clinic,
“Narcissistic personality disorder…is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
It is important to note that having only one of the symptoms of narcissism does not make someone a narcissist. For that reason, it is extremely important to have a professional diagnosis. To be a narcissist, a person must exhibit multiple symptoms that work off each other which is a lot of moving parts.
What is it like to be involved with a potential narcissist?
I am speaking solely from my own experience; thus, it will not be comprehensive of everyone’s experience. Gaslighting, manipulation and being commented on negatively were the hallmarks of my experience. These worked together to completely tear down my self-esteem and left me feeling stuck in a situation that did not serve me, which is why it is so dangerous. Luckily, I had a support system and was able to find the strength to leave the situation for good.
Do they come back?
This was a question I found myself obsessed over because, regardless of the strength I felt in the moment I decided to leave the situation, I felt alone. Unfortunately, the answer is they do come back. When a potential narcissist realizes that they don’t have the control over you that they once had, they want to attempt to get it back. However, just because someone comes back from your past does not mean they are a narcissist, even if they did you wrong.
What to do when they come back?
The hardest lesson for me to learn is that not everyone deserves the time and energy that it may take from you to let someone know how much they hurt you, wronged you, or diminished you. Especially with potential narcissists, it isn’t beneficial to give them a reaction because that is exactly what they want. It’s messed up and it hurts, but this leads to the potential narcissist gaining the power over your emotions they once had. With that being said: you can be sad, you can be mad, you can be distraught, but do it in a safe place. Being vulnerable in the presence of a potential narcissist is emotionally dangerous, especially if you are still healing from them.
The best thing to do when they attempt to make an entrance back into your life is to stick to your new boundaries and not give them a reaction. Yes, even when they take extreme measures to get your attention. A personal anecdote of mine was when an ex who exhibited most symptoms of NPD created a new Instagram account dedicated to film stock photos. He then proceeded to edit old photos of when we were in a relationship to fit the theme of the account to be able to post them. All of this was a way to try and get my attention to engage with me after I had chosen to shut him out completely. I did not give him a reaction; I pretended I did not see the account. Luckily, my close friends had told him that he was out of line and needed to leave me alone because it was what I deserved.
Whatever you do, make sure you stick to your new boundaries when they come back, and they most likely will. Finally, find solace in the fact that you were able to leave a bad situation and the personal growth that the decision to leave entails.