As Told By A TRACS Driver

There are few things better in our Lehigh world than the sight of the T.R.A.C.S. van rolling down a nearby road. Whether your goal is to make it home alive after a party or simply back from a long night at the library, the arrival of the T.R.A.C.S. van seems to be met with an amount of enthusiasm comparable to receiving an A on Dr. Schray’s Orgo exam. Witnessing a hoard of stumbling drunkards desperately trying to stop TRACS while screaming some derivation of “Catch That Twinkie!!!” is by no means an uncommon sight. In the spirit of our school’s adoration of T.R.A.C.S., I decided to dig deeper into the lives of the incredibly tolerant and hard working T.R.A.C.S. drivers who work late nights to ensure our campus of reckless drunks makes it home in one piece.

I chose a slow party night and hopped aboard T.R.A.C.S. outside Lindy with a friend to conduct my first interview and it just so happened that Jerry the Smarties driver was on duty that night. The interview went a little something like this:

Name: Jerry

Where are you from? Easton, PA

What hours do you drive? Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday from 9:45-2:05 or 3:05

How did you get involved with T.R.A.C.S.? I answered an ad in the newspaper.

What were your previous jobs? I worked for Dunbar, driving a route for their armored trucks. Later I worked for a Lexus dealer.

How long have you been a T.R.A.C.S. driver? About a year, I started after last Halloween.

What gave you the idea to start passing out Smarties?

One night, a young lady asked me for a mint. I didn’t have any to give her, but it just so happened that I had grabbed some Smarties from my house before work that day. I passed one to her and the rest of the van. From then on, I always have Smarties in my van and the kids have come to love and expect it. I tell them it’s ok to take candy from this old man’s van. I have passed out ten pounds of Smarties this year so far. 

Do you have any funny stories you would like to share?

There was one time when I was stopped at lower sense and a very inebriated young lady walked up to the driver’s side and stared questioningly at the van before she hollered “Where’s the F***ing door?” I replied by asking her where she was headed and she said she was going up. To which I said, “I’m still going up” She looked at me, said “F***” and walked away.

Does anything else interesting go on in here?

Every Friday and Saturday night, as soon as I get 10-12 intoxicated kids in the van, I put on Don’t Stop Believing by journey and we have a drunk sing-a-long. People request it now when they get on. I have a recording of it on my phone.

Have you ever had to call the Lehigh Police for anything? I’ve had people fighting and throwing up in here all the time. Depending on the severity, I can go to the police.

Do you get bribes to take kids off your route? Most common one is Wendy’s. I can’t take them but I have been offered money for it.

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Starting this week, we will be doing a series on Tales From TRACS. Submit your best stories below!