ITV recently branched out and created ITVBe, the new go-to channel for all of their cheesy and somewhat awful (yet extremely enjoyable) daytime TV shows. Perfect for university students and providing endless entertainment any hour of the day, why go to a lecture when you can watch shows that are so embarrassing for the participants that you’ll probably actually end up feeling better about your own life… and the fact you don’t have to rely on cooking for strangers in an attempt to find love – or maybe you do, in which case I’m not judging…
As an avid ITVBe fan – along with the rest of my house – I’ve provided a few short reviews of some of the best that ITVBe has to offer, and trust me, you’re in for an eventful day.
Ever wanted to know how absolutely insane some brides are leading up to their big day? Me neither, but I’ll still watch it. This is your special day, right? A time to bring the family closer, and remember the good times before a starting a new life with your husband. Well not for these American women, for whom apparently nothing can go right. From physical fights with bridesmaids over dress fittings to threatening to cancel a wedding because the flowers were the wrong shade of magnolia, wedding preparation has never been so terrifying. One bride once prepared brownies laced with laxatives for a groomsman who was late to a tux fitting, but when the bride’s party ate them by accident… one can only imagine the shit that ensued.
The Millionaire Matchmaker
Sounds weird? Well it is. Patti, a ‘third-generation match maker’ (whatever that means), is the owner of a Millionaires Club, where she invites millionaires to meet potential partners. She used to claim to have a 99% success rate… but this quote has mysteriously disappeared from the title sequence of the new series... hmm…
Patti claims to be able to find these millionaires (usually men) their perfect match, holding a casting call to interview the potential partners. Sounds alright, however Patti is a major bitch. Hair not blonde enough? Go dye it. Dress too baggy? Get a new one. She doesn’t accept gingers into the club either, because apparently “men just don’t want them”… unless you’re Irish.
She’s also pretty much full of rubbish: “The best part about being a matchmaker is you are getting credits in heaven, as I really believe I work for God”. Sorry what? Credits in heaven?
In this programme, one singleton gets to choose 3 out of 5 menus, hoping to find love through a shared passion for food. Sounds okay right? Just a romantic ‘Come Dine With Me’ perhaps? Not quite. These menus are unusually sexual, and somewhat unnecessary – one suitor’s dessert was a ‘rhubarb crumble with ‘I Scream’’. What was worse was the gross grin on the 50-year-old man’s face after reading this. And some are just plain weird, like one woman called Kathleen -whose cat can understand English, by the way – whose starter was ‘boogie woogie brisket of beef’… what?
After having made their choices, this person then goes round to the menu creators’ homes, where they are wined and dined – except for one woman who didn’t even host in her own house? And another who got a friend to cook for them? Are there even any rules to this program?
The best part of the show is the end though. The winning cook gets a date, and the other two are delivered a ready meal, who then try to explain why they looooove Tesco’s mac and cheese more than the guy they went on a date with anyway… its okay, you’ll find love elsewhere…
‘Wtf…’ is the first thought I had when my housemate put this on. But like everything else, I thought I’d give it a go. Just think Jersey Shore… but completely pointless. Jersey Shore was one of the first location-based reality TV shows – a “docusoap” apparently – and at least there was drama. Jerseylicious on the other hand.. let’s just say in the single episode I got through, the only drama was the lack of hair extensions available: the show being based around the lives of the salon owners. Upon further research, Jerseylicious is already on its sixth series… so something about it must be good right? But even the names are just plain boring. There’s no Snooki, no JWoww, just Olivia, Tracy and Anthony. Boring. Whoever this girl is (I can’t really tell the difference) provides us with some good life advice though…
The Real Housewives
An insight into how the other half live, the Real Housewives franchise takes you to the homes of wealthy women from across the world, and ITVBe has the whole package: Atlanta, Beverly Hills, Cheshire, Melbourne, Miami, New Jersey, New York City, Orange County and Vancouver. With so much diversity, what else could you ask for?! You can effectively spend all day catching up on the dramatic lives of these women, from catfights to fancy dress parties – with one episode where a woman insists her twin 18-year-old daughters sit in a pushchair to complete her look – there is never a dull moment.
All in all, ITVBe provides you with a real range of TV, all hours of the day and night, and is perfect for procrastination.