This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Leeds chapter.

So semester one is almost over – all those tedious 9ams, the bitchy ‘omg this lecture sux’ Facebook statuses and the highlighting of random phrases in books… to fool your seminar leader into thinking you’ve actually done the reading for the week *echem*, the end is in sight!

But there is a problem – before you start settling down in front of the television with that ‘I’d forgotten what happiness felt like until now’ lightness in your chest after finishing all your work, there is at least one module that requires you to indulge in that godforsaken activity called ‘self-discipline’ and complete a 5000 word essay, a report or even-shudder- revise for an exam.

Much like you, although I’m really pleased I got into University and I want a wealthy and happy future, I really cannot be arsed to do any work to get there. Through this unprecedented level of laziness I have become quite the expert on how to avoid doing work until the last minute, stress cry about the situation and then somehow compress 10 powerpoints into a half decent essay.

I want to provide you with the essentials of procrastination, because passively ruining my education and limiting my chances of graduating from ‘slim’ to ‘non-existent’ isn’t enough. I’m going to drag you down with me. Let me welcome you into the world of failure.

WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE:

Netflix

Who hasn’t made use of the month’s free trial offered by Netflix? That’s a whole month of exploring new TV series and films – whether it’s finding a new favourite actor or sitting through a painfully terrible horror film that has quite obviously been an A2 Media Project, it’s keeping you from doing any meaningful work and that makes it your friend.

Get a new hobby

The trick to this is to choose a hobby that requires a large portion of your time in first semester to understand, and an equally sizeable amount of time to perfect. In my case this was poker; joining a website, attending poker nights with a society and researching online how to play well. The best thing about this is that you never really become ‘the best ever’ poker player which means that you can lie to yourself, “I need more practise and then I’ll be the QUEEN of poker” and this becomes a never-ending cycle of idleness.

Become a hypochondriac

I find this best to do when you’re sat at your desk, looking at the pile of books you’ve just got out of the library. You reach for the highlighters and then, as if by magic – you get pins and needles in your leg. You’ve heard of this sort of thing – it’s a symptom of diabetes. I mean, yes most people experience this and it’s nothing to worry about but you’ve definitely got diabetes – the internet says so. From here you can close your internet tabs that feature academic journals you need to research, and replace them with Yahoo Answers and NHS Direct – read all the other symptoms and convince yourself that you do indeed have something medically wrong with you and therefore you can’t possibly do any work.

Make a meal plan knowing full well you won’t stick to it

Healthiness is essential for your brain to function to its maximum capability, right? So you really shouldn’t have ordered that pizza last night… or have had that chocolate orange for lunch. It’s so easy to fall into bad habits when it comes to eating at University – but Flames is just so damn good and so cheap too… Right. That’s it. For no longer will chocolate and burgers control your life. You make a meal plan that consists entirely of vegetables and rice. I suggest looking up ‘healthy recipes’ on Google and writing the only visually attractive ones down (there should only be about 6, if there are more than 6 then you’re not looking at healthy enough food). Go on Tesco online; put all the ingredients into your basket but DON’T CHECK OUT. We all know you won’t actually eat these things.

Write articles on procrastination because then it sort of feels like you’re being proactive when really you’re not

Oh the irony.

When you have done all of the above sometimes the only thing to do is something productive for another cause. It’s not related to University so you can trick your brain into doing it with little to no effort. Yes you may have only a day to plan and write an essay now but that doesn’t matter when you have a can of cider in one hand and some chocolate torte in the other.

These are just five of my top tips for doing nothing with style, as long as you remember these I can guarantee a drop of at least 10 marks in your next marked piece of work, a concerned personal tutor chasing you up for meetings and a Netflix subscription that month after month you forget to cancel. You’re welcome.

By Tillie Spottiswoode

Image sources:

How To Procrastinate Efficiently

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