Agony Aunt here, and welcome to my brand-new column!
For my second week, I turned to you—asking for your biggest questions and dilemmas regarding housemate drama on the @hercampusatleeds Instagram story. You asked, and now I’m answering!
“Dear Agony Aunt, my housemates never respect the cleaning rota and constantly leaving a mess. How can I stop this from ruining my relationship with my own home?”
Dear Frustrated Flatmate,
I see you’re experiencing a tale as old as time, it’s like a rite of passage, right? You’ve got the “I’m-too-busy-to-care” crowd and the “someone else will do it” brigade, each convinced that the cleaning rota is a suggestion, not a rule. Seriously, what is it with university students finding such comfort in a dirty pile of plates, as if not touching them will bring them closer to a 1st class degree. Spoiler alert! It won’t.
Alexa, play “Messy” by Lola Young
How you feel? I believe it’s fair to be frustrated. Your home should be the haven you can go to after a long day, not a battlefield. I mean, it must be draining, having to constantly walk on eggshells, hoping that this time your gentle reminders won’t be met with rolled eyes or sighs. Here’s the thing: you don’t need to apologize for wanting cleanliness. You’re not being “that person,” you’re setting a standard that everyone should be held accountable for.
However, the harsh truth is, you can’t change your flatmates, not their approach to cleanliness, or even their bizarre idea that someone else will handle it. Although, while you can’t change them, you can change how you handle it. The real power here lies in shifting your perspective. Instead of letting their mess control how you feel about your home, take a step back and reclaim your space, mentally and physically. It’s all about control—and you have it. The mess may be there, but your peace of mind doesn’t have to be tangled up in it. I suggest you create your own sanctuary, make your room a place that’s free from the chaos and a space where you can recharge. When the mess starts to get to you, retreat to your safe space.
Now, addressing the issue at hand. Avoiding the situation out of fear of conflict is completely understandable—but unfortunately, ignoring it won’t make the problem disappear. If anything, it just means you’ll continue dealing with the same frustrations. The best first step is clear, direct communication. A simple conversation can sometimes be enough to make someone realize the impact of their behaviour. Approach it calmly and try to frame it as a shared issue rather than an attack. But if diplomacy fails? Well, there’s always the passive-aggressive option. Perhaps placing their dirty dishes outside their door. I wonder how it got there…
Yes, it might feel like you’re constantly fighting a losing battle, but remember, you can still thrive in your space, even if the rest of the house isn’t exactly a model of cleanliness. Don’t let their bad habits steal your joy or make you feel like a prisoner in your own home. It’s your space, so make it work for you.
With a mop in hand, your Agony Aunt xoxo
“Dear Agony Aunt, my flatmate went into my room when I wasn’t there and moved my stuff. WTF do I do?”
Dear Lockless & Livid,
Okay, hold up, they moved your stuff? Like, rearranged the furniture or straight-up stole your belongings? Either way, this sounds less like flatmate shenanigans and more like the plot of a poorly executed heist movie. We need to get to the bottom of this.
First things first: Have you asked your flatmate why they decided to audition for the role of “trespassing gremlin”? I mean, was it just a case of “I needed to borrow your hairdryer” or is there something more sinister at play here? Before you escalate, communicate. Ask them what on earth possessed them to mess with your things. And while you’re at it, set some clear boundaries. Your room, your rules.
If this talk doesn’t stop them, you may need to step it up. Consider investing in a door jammer (yes, those exist), to add an extra layer of security. Now, this could be a one-time lapse in judgment from your housemate, but if they persist in treating your room like a free-for-all, it’s time to loop in someone with a bit of authority. As tempting as it is to go full Home Alone—marbles, Lego, and an elaborate booby trap or two—ask yourself: do you really want to win the battle but start a full-blown housemate war? Choose your next move wisely, dear reader, because revenge is sweet… but a drama-free home is sweeter.
Bottom line: Your room, your rules. Make them clear—preferably before this turns into a full-blown psychological thriller.
Lock up, Lawyer up, your Agony Aunt xoxo
“Dear Agony Aunt, my friend has a flatmate whose horrible AF – are there any small ways she could get revenge?”
Dear Desperate for a Little Revenge,
Let’s start with a warning, just because I give you these ideas doesn’t mean you have to do them. Agony aunt takes no responsibility for anything you or your friend decide to do.
- The mysterious case of: Vanishing Objects
Psychological welfare, but will only work if you do small things, such as cups, cutlery or that one top they’ve left around. Make them think they’ve misplaced it.
- Operation Disruption: The Art of Subtle Chaos
The washing machines full? Just turn it off. The microwave’s in use? Unplug it. A tiny inconvenience here and there can slowly unravel even the most composed person.
- The inbox invasion
Sign them up for every freebie you can think of. What will it be? The Army? Jehovah’s Witnesses? You’d be surprised how much satisfaction can be found in having someone’s phone blow up with random spam.
- Proceed with Caution
If you think you can get away with it, put salt or even laxatives in their stuff, such as their milk, and watch as they suffer. However, I must warn you, just because this is something you can do, doesn’t mean it’s something you should do, because at the end of the day, if you get caught, who knows what they’ll do.
- The Art of Aggravation
If all else fails, lean into your most irritating tendencies. Be loud on the phone, whiny over dinner, or make unnecessary noise just to disrupt the silence. Have a party when you know they have a 9am the next day. Eventually, they’ll be begging for a peaceful life.
Remember, if they’re already annoyed with your friend, the trick is not to escalate it too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race, and sometimes, the best revenge is simply being that annoying person who makes their life just a little bit harder.
Good luck, and may the petty gods be with you!
Yours in subtle scheming, your Agony Aunt xoxo
“Dear Agony Aunt, I ignored the red flags when signing for a house with someone and all those red flags and more, this has made living with them extremely difficult.”
Dear Red Flag Ignorer,
How’s that working out for you?
You saw them. You ignored them. And now, here we are. But don’t worry, I won’t judge (much). Let’s focus on damage control.
- Distance Yourself. Don’t fall into the people pleasing trap that is allowing them to befriend you. So, don’t actively try to hang out with them, especially alone – if you can help it.
- Set boundaries. I’m not sure what type of person you’re dealing with, but if they’re the type that just talks at you… set boundaries. It’s so tempting to slip into people-pleaser mode, especially when you’re trying to avoid conflict. But if they’re being genuinely awful, you cannot afford to put their feelings ahead of your own. Draw clear lines. And if they cross them, you have every right to speak up.
- Don’t be a doormat. If they are being actively awful to you, you have every right to say something about it. Assert yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable. Your peace of mind is worth it.
- Prioritise yourself. It must be frustrating living with difficult people. It sucks. So, make sure not to lose sight of your on wellbeing. Whatever you know works for you to make you feel better in moments of frustration, lean into those for comfort.
Please find comfort that this isn’t forever, see it as building character. One day, this will be a classic tale of “housemate horror stories” and how you got through it. So, remember, you have got this.
Alexa play Survivor by Destiny’s Child
Praying for you, your Agony Aunt xoxo
Thank you to everyone who submitted responses! Hope this article helps! Love from, your Agony Aunt xoxo
Final Notes: Want to be featured in my next article? Every week, I post a new topic on the @hercampusatleeds Instagram story—drop your questions and dilemmas, and you might just see them answered next week! Don’t worry, all submissions are completely anonymous.