I was about 10 years old when I woke up on Christmas Day to my parents screaming at each other downstairs. At that point, I was so used to the fighting that it didn’t even phase me. I just wanted to have breakfast and open my gifts. I sat on the stairs, reading a book while I waited for it to end.
Thankfully, my parents split up between then and the following Christmas. When people find out my parents are divorced, their first response is to tell me they’re sorry. Honestly, I think it’s the best thing that ever happened to our family. My relationships with my mum and dad are stronger than they would have been if my parents were still married.
The only time the divorce bothers me is during the holidays. It’s even more stressful since my birthday is just 9 days before Christmas.
I find wish lists to be a huge issue. My parents still ask for one, so I gladly provide it but the drama happens when they want to buy me the same thing.
Last year, this was a problem. Apparently, my father had already bought me one of the items off my list, but my mum had got the same thing. My sister had to be the mediator in the situation and convince one of them to return it and get me something else. Bless her heart and soul.
This year, to save her from tears (sorry, I had to), she suggested I split my list. I gave my parents different ones so there would be no overlap. My sister said she’ll pick things for me from both lists. Hopefully, things will go better this year but that remains to be seen.
As for the day itself, we’ve always spent the morning with my dad and the evening with my mum. Thankfully, we’ve been true to that for the past decade. We’ve made small changes so we can include my sister in things, since she doesn’t live with either of my parents anymore. Otherwise, it’s been okay.
The trouble arises after I leave my dad’s house. When my parents split up, my mother kept in touch with one of his three sisters, and he kept contact with the other two. So, my mother and I spend Christmas with Dad’s sister, my aunt.
This causes problems because they always ask lots of questions about my father when I’m there. They ask all about my morning with him, what we ate, what gifts we gave each other, what we did, how the cat is, everything. When I was younger, I would happily answer because I was so excited about the holiday in general.
However, as I got older, I noticed that my family would criticize things about my father. Like how I was the one to make us pancakes for lunch, when he should be “putting in effort.” Or they would question the fact that we got him Harry Styles tickets for Christmas (as Harry’s music is “for young people”).
When I started to clue in on these things, I was angry. I would call out my uncle (it’s predominantly him) on the problematic things he was saying. Since my aunt and mother have known my dad longer than I have, they just tell me I don’t understand.
After 10 years of this, I’d like to say I know how to handle the situation. It still makes me angry, but I’ve found that my dad does the same thing when I’m over at his house on Christmas.
Three years ago, I would’ve been upset and defended my dad to my mum, and my mum to my dad. Two years ago, I would’ve shrugged and gone along with it because if they’re both complaining — it equals itself out.
I’m working on that. Maybe it’s because I’m in social work, and am more comfortable with addressing awkward situations like this. Now, I try to bring the conversation back to what really matters.
When my parents start to talk negatively about one another, I have the confidence to interrupt. It’s unfortunate that the onus falls on me to point it out, but someone has to do it.
I remind them there’s no point in complaining about people you don’t see anymore. Rather, we should enjoy spending the time with those we actually like. Why dwell on the past while we’re sitting on the carpet reading Star Wars stories to my little cousins?
After all, that’s the best part of the holiday season.