Many people say that best friend breakups are way harder than boyfriend breakups. I have gone through both and can confirm that statement is correct. Losing my best friend was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through.
I’ve been friends with this girl for seven years – that is one-third of my life. We have had so many memories and experiences over the years. Unfortunately, our lives started to go in two different directions when we began to study at two different universities. We continued to be best friends, but we didn’t have a lot of time for each other. To me, this friendship felt one-sided, because I felt like I was the only one trying to make it work.
One day, I was tired of trying to fix our friendship and I decided that it was time for me to pull away. I felt like my best friend had her own life now and she didn’t need me anymore. A few months later, our mutual friend sent me a text message to let me know that I needed to figure out my priorities if I wanted to continue being besties with my best friend of seven years.
This felt like a knife in my back. I felt so betrayed. I did pull away, but I did not talk about her behind her back to my other friends. At that moment, I knew there was no returning. I knew that I didn’t want to be friends with a person who was scared to confront me about the problems they have with me. Maybe pulling away was wrong from my side, but she needed to tell me how she felt.
I contacted her over the phone, but she wouldn’t even listen to me. That night, I knew that I lost someone important and that I didn’t want her back.
It’s been a few months since that night. My chest is filled with emptiness and my eyes are filled with tears every single night before I fall asleep. It’s been hard. It’s been lonely.
Finding a way to cope with losing my best friend felt nearly impossible, but I found some things that seem to help me to with it. I drown myself in work, assignments and side projects every single day until I am exhausted. At the end of the day, all I have left to do is fall asleep without thinking about her. The second I stop occupying my mind with work, I think about her and the feelings of emptiness and loneliness come back and my chest hurts.
Before I force myself to begin working every day, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I sometimes wonder how it would feel if I had no emotions and was a robot who didn’t care or love. My problem is that I will always care, but one day these hurt feelings will fade away. Until then I will just keep trying to cope with it.