The New Year is here! We’re just over three weeks into 2018; who’d have thought we’d ever make it this far, eh? No doubt most of our resolutions have already completely fallen down by the wayside. However, all that energy you could be spending on going to the gym, eating less junk, or learning the clarinet, is probably better spent preparing for the catastrophic events of the year to come. So you can prepare accordingly, I have been in conversation with numerous oracles and bottoms of tea cups to predict five things that will happen this year:
1. A live action version of Scooby Doo will be released as a Netflix original series
(Image: foxnews.com)
Netflix are flinging out original series left, right and centre these days, as they bid to expand their monopoly over the TV world. So far, they have already shown their strengths in adaptation through the excellent rendition of ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’, and I personally think that when (not if) the time comes for Scooby Doo to be revitalised, Netflix will be the one for the job. In a world full of monsters, fear and uncertainty, we need the Mystery Gang now more than ever to guide us through. Maybe it’ll be a fun kids show, or maybe they’ll shake it up and make Fred an edgy, brooding detective running through corridors from his past: the only mystery he can’t solve is himself. I don’t claim to know all the ins and outs, but I’m fairly certain that, in some shape or form, Scooby will be back on our screens (or should I say ‘streams’?) within the next 12 months.
2. Kids will start playing with Beyblades again (Image: hasbro.com)
Philosopher George Santayana famously said: “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it”. I for one am almost certain that nobody learned their lesson from the last time Beyblades were popular. When I was in primary school, their reign was cut short when one of them jumped up out of the arena and cut a kids eye. They disappeared forever thereafter, but I can’t help but feel that they have unfinished business. Nowadays, more and more Western children are swapping in their action figures for iPads, but one day Plants vs Zombies will not satisfy their lust for violence, and on that day, Beyblades will step up to the plate once more. That day will take place in 2018. Let it rip!
3. Nick Clegg will go on Strictly Come Dancing and won’t be completely terrible (Image: independent.co.uk)
It’s about time Nick Clegg had a win. This decade has been tough on him, whether you think he deserved it or not, and from a humanist perspective, I’d really like something nice to happen in the life of the former deputy-Prime Minister. And if there’s anything that’s gonna get you back into the hearts of the British people, it’s Strictly Come Dancing. You watch. When the C-list line-up is revealed next year, you’ll see Mr. Clegg’s name up in lights once more. I also predict that he’ll completely nail a foxtrot and get a healthy seven from each of the judges.
4. Tom Delonge will claim to have been abducted by aliens (Image: nme.com)
It’s well known that the former Blink182 guitarist left the pop-punk trio in order to pursue his investigation into UFOs, and I’m certain that 2018 will be the year he full-on, committedly claims to have been abducted by an alien spacecraft. Whether he actually will be abducted or not, I do not claim to know. I only know what the stars have told me, and the stars have told me that sometime this year I’ll be scrolling up my twitter feed and I’ll see a headline from NME reading ‘Tom Delonge: “I was abducted by a UFO”’.
5. A photo will be leaked to the press of Vice President Mike Pence digging a hole in the White House garden in the middle of the night (Image: qz.com)
This… this just feels like something which is gonna happen soon. I don’t really have an explanation for why I think this, nor do I have the slightest idea what he’ll be burying, but I really feel this is gonna be one of the next episodes in the Trump administration saga. They’ll be loads of questions from all the news outlets, mainly ‘what was he burying?’ and ‘why was he burying something?’, but none of them will be answered. Pence will probably even deny that he was even in Washington DC that night, but then one of his staff members will find a dirty spade in his office. It’ll be a whole scandal that won’t go away until at least 2019.