Another year and Guy Fawkes’ Night has passed us by yet again. The bonfire, the wrapping up warm, all the oohs and aahs, it really is one of the cutest nights in the British calendar. It’s also the downright weirdest. I was explaining the concept of it to a friend of mine from Malaysia and only once I had finished speaking and they had replied “Oh, that’s really strange” did I acknowledge that, yeah, it is really strange. So before we put those sparklers back in the drawer and plough on through to Christmas, let’s take a minute to address why this tradition is flat out nuts.
(Image: ne1fm.net)
1.Blowing stuff up to commemorate a failed act of terror
I mean, didn’t King James I think it was a little too soon to instate a nationwide holiday dedicated to blowing stuff up a mere year after some dudes tried to literally blow up Parliament and kill hundreds of people? It’s great that no one got hurt but wasn’t there a more appropriate way to celebrate that? When you think about it, it’s essentially the equivalent of celebrating not contracting food poisoning by eating an entire raw chicken.
(Image: express.co.uk)
2.Nobody else celebrates failed assassination attempts
I think we’ve already established that James I was a pretty cocky guy, essentially challenging future assassins to do their worst by inventing a holiday which provides the perfect cover for shooting somebody. Have you ever considered that no one else but us Brits celebrate failed assassination attempts in the same, extravagant manner as us? If Guy Fawkes’ Night is a thing then why not John Hinkley Jr Day? Would there be an annual big picnic on the grassy knoll had the JFK plot not gone according to plan? I’m just saying it’s odd that Guy Fawkes is the only person ever to be awarded an entire night of the year for being bad at his job.
(Image: express.co.uk)
3.Starting fires is just fine for one night only
In a nation supposedly growing more and more around ‘health and safety culture’, it is curious that we have one night a year where starting a fire is completely accepted, nay actively encouraged. What’s more is that we then invite a whole bunch of people over to some field to have a big ol’ look at that fire. Look how big it is! There is absolutely nothing untoward about this demonic ritual whatsoever! However, to be fair to James I, I suppose it is quite a sensible idea to allow citizens one day to start as many fires as they like on the condition that they go the rest of the year without starting any. In that sense, it’s actually quite a smart and effective piece of legislation.
(Image: telegraph.co.uk)
4.Burning an effigy
Yeah so… uh… that’s peculiar. You’d have thought we’d have forgiven and forgotten Mr. Fawkes by now, like we have so many far more contemporary crimes and atrocities. Yet there he is. Year by year. Stuffed with hay, tied to a stake, and set on fire. It’s pretty dark, really. Like, Jesus Britain let it go already.
(Image: vinalearnenglish.wordpress.com)
5.There is a rhyme that helps us remember when The Night of Deliberate Arson is
From birth we are taught to ‘Remember, remember, the fifth of November’, as if I was ever going to forget what night of the year it was when the sky starts exploding. Someone should really invent a rhyme to help us remember when the hell Father’s Day is. Nobody knows when Father’s Day is! Even my Dad doesn’t know when Father’s Day is! I feel like it’s only possible to remember Father’s Day maximum two days before or when the special Google Search design reminds us on the day itself. Maybe something like “It’s coming soon, the seventeenth of June” only not quite so ominous. I don’t know, but something needs to be done soon to reward Dads for their year-in-year-out dedication to pretending to be shot on Bonfire Night.