So here we are again. Fresher’s Week is over and the serious partying begins. Fresher’s was just a warm-up to what can only be described as the Premier League of fancy dress, which takes place every year on the 31st October. Glow-paint under the eyes and multi-coloured hairspray may have sufficed during your inaugural week of University nights out…but that just will not cut it on Halloween.
If you’re like me and have decided to hold a Halloween party, this requires careful planning, originality and a shopping list which would terrify even the most seasoned party organiser. So you’ve adorned your house from top to bottom in Wilko’s decorations, you’ve spent four hours carving a mildly intimidating face into a putrefied pumpkin, you’ve created a Halloween playlist comprising mainly of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and finally you’ve procured the most important item guaranteed to make your Halloween party successful; SPIRITS. Now it’s time for the guests. And on that note, I feel it important that we take a critical look at some of the Halloween-appropriate apparitions likely to cross the threshold this year.
SUPERHERO – Despite the obvious association Spiderman has to the eight legged arthropod, that is essentially where the connection between Superhero and Halloween, albeit extremely marginal, ends. No doubt this person bought their Superhero costume for a fancy dress party months ago and is now attempting to reuse it to save money. That won’t stop them spending practically the whole night attempting to convince you why their character is a fitting guest.
JACK SKELLINGTON – protagonist of the Tim Burton Film, The Nightmare before Christmas. This is the guest who does not do casual. Skellington’s signature outfit of a suit and bow tie gives this guest the perfect excuse not to “dress down”.
THE GHOST – Often known as the emergency costume, typically worn by those guests who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort… or by those who were not actually invited and do not want to be recognised. The combination of a white bed sheet and eye holes make for a cheap costume… albeit a sh*t costume.
THE WITCH – Actual descriptions of this sorceress vary widely, but chances are this witch will not be wearing a traditional black cloak, pointy hat and arriving on a broomstick. In fact, most contemporary Halloween witches that are likely to appear at your ghoulish get-together tend to be wearing a short skirt (although still black), stockings and stilettoes, and their mode of travel is a taxi or a Fiat 500. However, this outfit does have magical powers and it has been known to cast a spell on many unsuspecting party guests; especially the male ones.
VAMPIRE – Now, a few years ago, if I had mentioned vampires you might instinctively associate them with bats, capes, Dracula and….well death. Nowadays, however, with the dawn of Twilight, a party goer could quite easily dress in a generic River Island outfit, apply some white face paint and a tad of glitter and this would constitute as a vampire costume. Admittedly this guest has discovered the perfect disguise to justify biting other party goer’s on the neck, but unfortunately Edward Cullen has completely nullified the scariness of vampires forever.
THE CONTACT LENS WEARER – Contact lenses are an optical medical invention to improve vision; they were not originally intended for fancy dress. So on the night of the party this guest may look reasonably scary but the trick is to be patient. Next day when complications occur from wearing cheap, unregulated coloured lenses and the serious eye infection sets in…… well then it’s extremely scary.
SEXY <INSERT GENERIC PROFESSION HERE> – This guest has completely ignored the relevant information on your party invite: HALLOWEEN. They have an excessively high opinion of their appearance achieved by years of gym membership, moisturising and body buffing and their only aim is to be the most attractive guest at the party. The really annoying thing – they usually are.
THE DEVIL – This guest will have cheap plastic horns, cheap plastic tail, and a cheap plastic pitchfork. Not quite the embodiment of evil. However, their blood red attire will add a welcomed splash of colour to what could be a rather black night and they are renowned for being devilishly good fun. However, be warned, once you let them through the front door, you’ve made a pact with the devil. God knows what could happen next.
INFLATABLE SUMO – This person will have difficulty squeezing through your door, and again has very little connection to Halloween, but they are the star guest. Not only have they spent all their student finance on the most expensive costume online, they will spend all night unable to sit, drink, eat or relieve themselves. Now that’s dedication.
THE GRIM REAPER – Oddly enough you won’t see him the night of the party. He will arrive the following morning, when you try to lift your head off the pillow and realise everyone has gone home and left all the clearing-up to you.
Have a devilishly good Halloween, it’s the thing of nightmares.