For almost seven years, I was in a toxic friendship. It was an isolating experience that I have tried to understand and wrap my head around, over the years now. How did I not see the red flags at the beginning? Why didn’t I utilize years worth of standard bullying education to catalyze myself into telling an adult what I was feeling? All these questions have boiled down to one realistic conclusion; I didn’t know how to express the circumstances I found myself for all those years. It was as if I was in denial that I could be in an unbalanced relationship with people who were supposed to be my friends. We associate ideas of positivity and supportiveness with friends. Not belittlement and manipulation.
I wanted to dissect some of these feelings in a way that for anyone who might be healing from an unhealthy friendship, or believes they are in one, it might be comforting to hear and take from. Not everything I say is a fact; it is only from my experience, and I wish to be transparent about it.
The core of a toxic friendship is this idea that leaving or something you do could make them leave is an impossible, unimaginable concept. Although it may seem like the obvious decision to break ties, it is not easy when you’re in it. As do normal, healthy friends, these “friends” will build up this trust in what you have, the time you’ve spent together, and all the memories. The idea of leaving what you have known for so long, what others now see you in the social stratosphere as a part of, is tremendously overwhelming. I couldn’t imagine myself dropping them and then floating along, seemingly friendless. Who would I be without them?
A much better person, I found. At the moment, that was not what I could envision, however.
I cut ties on my own terms in my junior year of high school. I had known this group for, as I said before, almost seven years. Still, a culmination of situations led to me understanding what I was subconsciously a part of and associated with. It got to a point where I had seen enough and felt enough surrounding these people that I couldn’t see it providing a healthy benefit for myself as we continued to grow.
In this friendship, which was a group friendship, I should note, there were a lot of layers that made it all the more difficult to distinguish if it really was as toxic as it seemed. Often, in movies, we see toxic friends depicted as outright evil. That they are going out of their way to make people close to them feel less than them. It’s visible. I think many people don’t understand that this is often only half of the reality. I was in a situation where I felt like everyone could see what they were like to me, but they were entirely two-faced. People were friendly with them in school, and they saw that charisma at face value as a judgment of their entire character, which made me feel guilt-ridden. I got into a cycle of convincing myself that perhaps I was reading into their words and reactions too much. We had good memories, so how could they possibly be toxic friends?
Sometimes, while in a toxic friendship or looking back at one, it’s easier to reflect on the good times rather than the bad. I had to face a hard fact that just because I had good memories with these people didn’t mean that it erased what they inflicted on me. They were still manipulative, with their emotions, not so subtle shit talking, and interest in my life and interests when it benefitted their image. I wasn’t eventually putting more into what I continued to think was a good friendship because of those momentary, happy memories than I was getting in return.
I had reached what was a point of peace. I finally felt harmony with myself, and the idea that there was more to feeling like a pawn in a friendship. I didn’t want to limit myself, and that decision wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Letting go wasn’t what I made it out to be in my head, and I did it in the way and time that seemed fit. These people proved time and time again that anything I would communicate would not be received on their end, so in the final hours of being “friends” with them, I gave them a taste of what they gave me and gave little to no warning to what I know they knew was coming eventually.
Unfollowed, blocked, and removed them from my life.
I had to go on another year of seeing these people in school every day, passing me in hallways and acting as if I were not there. I had thought it would be an uncomfortable and fearful reality, not having them in my life, but really, from an outside perspective, it only became more apparent what good I had done for myself. They were still keeping up a stubborn act of caring and gossiping about something that held no significance anymore. I was personally, finally, at a place with peace with myself. I finally knew myself for more than just what they made me out to be.
There are people in my life who still bring up their names, and every time, it stings less and less. As much as they filled themselves with hatred for not having me around anymore to manipulate, out of likely their own insecurity, I have taken another road that now allows me not to hold cruel feelings towards them.
I will not let them hold power over me anymore.
I don’t let conversations with other people dwindle much past their names because it is a chapter of my life. I accept what happened, but I do not need to revisit in the present. I’m at peace with my decision, and that’s all that matters. It’s all that needs to be said anymore.
Toxic friendships are definitely unique and intricate scenarios that aren’t talked enough about. There are so many types and layers to what a toxic friend could be in your life, and it takes a lot of courage to find the strength within yourself to leave what is familiar. But, I can say, there is always something better waiting for you, and every living, breathing person in this world deserves better than to feel low in a group that is supposed to be your friends. You deserve better, always, and never let anyone convince you that you don’t because you do. You deserve the most and the best, especially in your friendships.
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