It’s midterm season this week, and for one of my classes I need to write a paper on the research project that I’ve started working on and how it connects to the concepts discussed in class. My research entails interviewing my family members about their experiences being Hispanic in the United States, and presenting the untold stories about our history and culture. Doing this has led me to reflect on my own identity and connection to my culture as well. While working on this assignment the last couple of days, I’ve been listening to music to keep me focused and “Amor Prohibido” by Selena came on. I realized the impact she had on me feeling comfortable with my ethnicity, especially during my upbringing, so I decided to write an open letter to her.
Dear Selena,
A lot of things have changed since you’ve been gone. People eat more Mexican food than ever, there are 41 million Spanish speakers in the U.S. and the language is sprinkled in many of today’s popular songs. But there are some things that still haven’t changed. There still are the “you don’t look Hispanic” comments, and the “immigrants must go” rhetoric seems to be louder than ever. I’ve struggled with the first of these two for basically my entire life. When it comes to identity, I’ve often felt that I exist in a nebulous grey area. Often I’ve been told, “You’re not Hispanic enough” or have had my Hispanic-ness questioned. This made me feel like an outsider, like I couldn’t check the box. That word “enough” always got to me. What does that even mean and why must I look or act a certain way in order to be considered Hispanic? So what if I’m not as tan as people might expect or can’t speak Spanish with a native accent. Yet this did seem to matter, not only to people outside the culture, but to those within it who’d project their expectations onto me. At family functions, I’d be asked, “Why don’t you speak more Spanish?” But I’d be afraid that the second I’d open my mouth and had trouble rolling my Rs, I’d be secretly, or worse, overtly, judged. There’s this idea that Hispanics are not connected to their culture if they don’t meet the criteria I listed before, but that’s simply not true. Being Hispanic is more than just those things.
As a child, I was learning both English and Spanish and spent a lot of times in Queens, where my grandfather, uncle and father each owned a soccer store in Jackson Heights. Everyone on their blocks were Hispanic immigrants trying to start a new life for themselves in the States, including my grandfather. They brought the culture from their home country with them and I was surrounded by dance, music, language, food and so much more. While eventually the store closed, I spent less time in Queens, and the Spanish I learned as a child was replaced by the English I needed to communicate at school, I suddenly didn’t become any less Hispanic. Even though I wasn’t constantly near the culture in Westchester, which is where I actually lived, as I was in Queens, it was and still is a huge part of me, and I cherish that. You, Selena, have helped me out with a lot of this struggle for identity. You have lived on through your music for many, but more importantly for me you live on as someone that embraces their Latina-ness. You were born in the States, just like me. You weren’t fluent in Spanish, just like me. In fact, you spoke a lot of English in your songs. And yet, you were still proud of where you came from and able to embrace your culture regardless of what anyone thought, and I’m inspired by that. Now as I reflect on what makes me, me, I’ve come to realize a few things—mainly that my self-worth is mine to guard and to nurture. That remarks from those who don’t know that Latinos come in countless hues are opportunities to educate. That speaking Spanish to relatives despite my limitations gives me a chance to connect and increase my fluency in a safe space. And that my Hispanic identity runs deeper than mere looks or language skills. The roots of my Latina-ness stem from the values that have been cultivated in me and are the hallmarks of my community. The love of family, hard work, determination, loyalty and a go-getter attitude that propels me to never give up on my dreams makes me a true Latina. Thanks for helping me realize that.
Con cariño,
Jackie