A few weeks ago when I was prepping for my trip to South Korea, it started to hit me that once I come back no ones lives are going to be the same as they are when I leave. I realized that I’m going to miss some of the most important moments in my friend’s life within the next four months. A weird way to explain it is that it’s like my life in America stops, but their lives goes on. The more I started to think about this change the more I wanted to cancel my trip. I had a fear of not being able to find my place once I come back and even possibly being forgotten or replaced in many of their lives and it started to affect how I hung around my friends. I didn’t want to be around them as much to help ease the pain of leaving and when I did hang out with them, I would get upset because I knew that once I left they would be having fun without me and it would be as if I never existed. I started to be rude to them because I was angry that they could possibly replace me. In the end, it began to consume me, and I was sad all the time. I think what triggered me the most was that there was nothing I could do. It wasn’t in my control. I had already paid for the trip and booked my flight, so there was no going back.
It wasn’t until the other day where I realized the harm I was doing to myself and to those around me. Although it was true that I wouldn’t be around and they were going to hang out without me, it didn’t mean that they weren’t gonna miss me or keep in contact with me. I’ve talked to many friends that helped me realize the kind of impact I am leaving behind. Many people have already stated that they’ll keep in contact with me whether it be through email, Snapchat, Instagram, or KakaoTalk (Download and add me: Johnnceja). And yes I may be crying as I type this up, but I want you all to know that although I am excited for the adventure of a lifetime, it sucks knowing that the people I love won’t be there to spend it with me.
XOXO, John Ceja (Blair Waldorf)