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At the Corner of Happy & Healthy: A Satirical Solution

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at La Verne chapter.

       Drug use has become one of the most dominant problems in society. It seems like every other day that a much loved person (or celebrity) dies from an accidental drug overdose. Innovators in music like Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston have handed their lives to the effects of drugs, leaving today’s society hopelessly deprived of good music. And it seems like every other day the authorities find a new illegal shipment of drugs transported into the U.S. The government spends millions of American  tax dollars on funding the police and FBI to investigate drug dealers. However, those same tax dollars could be used on something worthwhile, for example, repaving all of those horridly bumpy roads on the highway or using it toward the education system. Unfortunately, that productive use of tax payer money is a myth. Instead, it is used to fund criminals who aim their sales toward the young and vulnerable. It is truly desvasting to think the money which could be used to fill those annoying potholes (no pun intended, seriously) or to provide a child a good education,is wasted on people who make drug dealing a business, or even worse, a career.

       After understanding the effects of drugs, I realized it is especially effecting young people in America. In my experience, I have seen what drugs can do to a person. One day, I was sitting on my front porch, petting my dog, when I saw this very strange woman walking like a zombie on the sidewalk, mumbling some undistinguishable chatter. She was wearing a pair of dirty jeans, and a red flannel shirt that hung like a tattered American flag on her intoxicated body. From where I was sitting, I could see that her hair was matted and messy, and her eyes were red and puffy, which had this eerily lost, far off look, as if she, in her mind, was on a different planet. That wasn’t even the worst part. She was young, probably not more than 19 years old. Without a doubt, I was scared, wondering, “What happened to her?” My dad came out into the front porch and saw her. Grimly, in a lowered voice, he told me that she displayed the effect that frequent drug use had on people, that maybe she was an aspiring young person with a bright future, but had made a wrong turn down the road of life and became addicted to drugs.  I have no doubt my mind that she is in a bad, if not the worst, state of her life at this very moment. Somewhere out there, there is some rambunctious teen trying to get his or her sticky fingers on these addicting herbs. Why? Who cares! They could be the next innovator in science or technology or maybe the next Bill Gates or Steven Spielberg! For those of us who are sober enough to care for the future of the youth and the entire future of human kind as we know it, we must end the use of drugs.

“But, how?” you might ask. As always, there is a logical, efficient solution to problems like this. If you are ready to stop seeing people die and fall victim to the horrendously addicting affects of drugs, you must listen to my modest proposal to end this struggle once and for all.

      Stop and think for a minute. What is the first place one would think of to get their grubby hands on drugs? The drugstore, of course! The drugstore is abundant with drugs! It is revolting to know that some twisted person very bluntly decided to name a so-called convenience store a “drugstore.” To those of us who have ever had to brave an experience to CVS Pharmacy or Walgreens to buy conditioner with our mom, will understand that there are drugs at every corner. Tylenol, Nightquil and Dayquil, are just a few offenders that pass themselves off as cough, sneeze, and headache relieving when all the while adults and teens alike can easily overdose and die. The worst however, is children’s cough medicine. What monster decided to take a normally pungent tasting drug product and make it cherry flavored? The children, the innocent, fall victim every day to Benadryl, and enjoying their experience of consuming it because tastes like a grape lollipop. Let us all realize now that a child somewhere is waiting for their parents to turn their heads away to go do their taxes so that they can reach into the medicine cabinet and overdose on grape cough medicine. Let as all realize that the supposedly innovative “press and turn” caps on the bottles cannot prevent a child from opening the bottle if they want to drink it badly enough. Let us all turn our attention to the very root of all of our problems:  The pharmaceutical company. There are a few beings that are and ever were in existence: Satan, Hitler, and people in the pharmaceutical work force. Their very career is to make drugs and sell them to people all over the United States, and beyond. For decades, they have taken the world by storm and have polluted society with extremely popular, widely used drugs.

       Some hippies out there may want to oppose our fight for a better, safer world, saying that eliminating pharmacies and drugstores will put the health state of America to the equivalent of the Black Plague are wrong. On the contrary, wiping this company off the face of the Earth will do mankind a great deal of good. For one thing, the absence of drugs will allow more famous people to live, therefore allowing them to live longer, and being able to quench our decade long thirst for good music.  Also, teens and children will no longer be able to get any drugs in their possession, thereby eradicating the risk of an overdose. At the same time, it will also give our brave veterans who have suffered from shell shock the chance to finally start living a happy, drug-free life. It will also put those low life drug dealers and pharmacists out of a job. Health wise, without drugs, only the strongest of us humans with superb immune systems that can fight off malignant diseases will live. This will ultimately allow the strongest humans to roam the Earth, therefore contributing to the overall health of humankind for generations to come.

       Now stop and think again. Are you ready for a stronger generation of healthier, happier, drug-free humans? If not, you can go back to selling whatever drug it is that’s making you all that money. But if you are ready to end this sad, drug using society, join a cause for change to bring an end to the pharmaceutical company.