“Time heals all wounds”-it’s a cliché statement, an overused one. But recently, I learned that it can be true, to a certain extent. Time has not healed all my wounds. Many of them are still gauged wide open. The snakes are still attached to my body, clinging as they continuously pump venom into my veins, venom that eventually reaches the tip of my tongue. I swallow it to the extent I can handle, but on occasion, I can no longer contain it and I find myself spitting it out violently at the next individual who makes the mistake of getting under my skin, intentionally or not.
But recently, I’ve finally been able to remove one snake from my skin, one that I’ve been battling for two years. The bite stemmed from the one who called me their platonic soulmate, their other half, who showered me with love and praise.
At least, that’s what they did in the beginning.
Eventually, this same person, who I grew to trust and love deeply as one of my closest friends, betrayed me-horribly and traumatically. Out of jealousy and projected feelings, they tried to ruin my life. Through manipulation, they tried to take away those whom I held dearest away from me, cowardly from behind my back.
The worst parts of all this consists of two things: one, that it almost worked, and two, that I knew her well enough that her actions against me were not out of character. Her actions were of the person I knew and cared for immensely, and I couldn’t even feel surprised of what she had done.
I felt completely and utterly humiliated. I felt like a fool, to the point that I blushed for two days straight after her actions were revealed to me. And I don’t know if any of you reading this have blushed for two days straight, but it is a physically painful experience.
For two years after, I hated them. Even after I ran into them, and they apologized to me for what they had done, I still hated them. I listened to everything they had to say, however I still felt the venom throbbing through my veins.
But finally, after two years, during the summer of 2018, for reasons I cannot fully explain and neither fully understand, I let those feelings of anger go. I came to terms with the fact that I hated them for so long because it was easier than feeling the pain they caused. I came to the understanding that while I can never forgive them, part of me will always love them. Part of me will always yearn for the beginnings of our friendship, when they filled the gap inside me caused by unbearable loneliness. I came to terms with the fact that, to deny the good times we had, was to deny the ways they shaped me—ways that were good. Ways that made me the person I am today
Part of me will always miss them, even if I can never let them back into my life. It’s not safe to, it’s a dangerous decision, one that will likely end in hurt. And regardless, I doubt they want back into my life.
To the person I am speaking of, if you read this, and while I doubt you ever will, you know this about you. But if somehow you stumble across this, and gain the courage to read through till the end, know that I wish for you the best, that you get the help you need and lead a happy life. I no longer feel the anger towards what you did to me, and I hope you’ve moved on as I have.
Time may not heal all wounds, but they certainly heal some, no matter how traumatic they may be. And to any of you reading this are still struggling with feelings of resentment and anger at those who hurt you, know that no matter how overwhelming or cutting these feelings may be, they won’t necessarily last forever, even if it feels like it will. Know that it may take a year, two years, three years, or five. Healing is a process unique to everyone. Take the time you need to heal from traumatic experiences. Never let anyone make you feel weak because you’re still in pain.
Know that you won’t experience these feelings forever, and very likely, you will experience growth from them once you’ve come to terms with what you went through. You will change, for the better, and learn from your experience.
I hope to anyone reading this, you learn to let go.