As each day passes, there is one commonality I have noticed. Sorry. Sorry for expressing my feelings. Sorry for hanging out with my friends. Sorry I got in the way. Sorry for saying sorry. Why am I constantly apologizing for just existing? I love who I am. My serious self and my goofy self. I love it all. Before coming to Kutztown, I struggled with loving myself. I had been hurt by many people and constantly let down by those who were supposed to be there for me through it all. I was bullied and targeted by students in my high school. Once I got to Kutztown, I was in an abusive relationship where I needed to watch what I said and be aware of my actions for I could not disturb the man who made me feel less than him. Everything I did was about pleasing him. He had total control over me. If I went out with my friends or just wanted to stay in and watch a movie I felt the need to apologize for what I did so the could forgive me and we could be “happy” again. I was constantly doing things not to better myself, but because he wanted me to do something or didn’t want me to do something. This constant need to say sorry consumed my life and it wasn’t until recently that I realized I do it multiple times a day for things no one should ever be sorry for.
This needs to end. I am a strong woman and everything I do in my life corresponds to this. I take responsibility for my actions, I voice my opinions. I am passionate about many issues going on in the world and I make sure people know my stance on whatever issue it may be. How is it that I can be so outspoken, yet apologize for existing every day?
I notice that many women do this though. When I’m in class, a girl will raise their hand to voice an opinion. Immediately after they say what they want to say, they apologize. No one should every apologize for voicing what they believe in, but society has always put women in a box where they need to censor what they say. Women aren’t allowed to have opinions or be outspoken. Women must sit in the corner and do as their told. It’s time to cut the bullshit. Women are brave. Women are powerful. Women can do anything they set their mind to. No one should be apologizing for existing—for being a human being. We are all human beings and each voice should be heard equally. This is something society still struggles to understand, but by cutting out “sorry” for small things like accidently standing in someone’s way—just existing basically—we can begin to resolve it.
Now I am aware of this word. This toxic word that should only be used for serious issues that occur. This isn’t a word to be thrown around. Sorry should have meaning and not used for minor issues that occur on a day to day basis. I will change this horrible habit to better myself and make sure it is known to people that I matter. I am a human being and my existence is important.