The holidays are a time where family can get together and celebrate and be happy in each other’s company. However, the holidays are also known for families clashing.
After having a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at my maternal grandmother’s house, my family and I made our way to my uncle’s house to see my father’s side of the family. My cousin and his wife recently had a baby, so I was very excited to hold him; my mother got him first, though. As I was watching the baby in my mother’s arms, my aunt’s brother leaned over to me and said, “I guess you’re going to be having kids soon, too, huh?”
I was dumbfounded that this man who isn’t even a blood relative and whom I hadn’t seen in years would ask me such an invasive question.
Trying to laugh and mask my discomfort, I said, “Oh no. I don’t plan on having kids for another ten years or so.” He then asked how old I was. When I told him I was nineteen, I was expecting him to revoke his statement once discovering how young I was; I was wrong.
“You don’t want to wait that long. My wife and I waited until we were forty to have kids. That was a mistake.”
Though I ignored him after that, his remarks didn’t end there. Once I was holding the baby, he fell asleep in my arms. I got up from my chair as the room was getting noisy and stood in the doorway rocking him. My aunt’s brother noticed and said, “Hey, you look like a natural! It might not be ten years after all! I give it five or six!”
At this point, I was done trying to tell him differently – not because I didn’t care, but because I realized no matter what I said, he would not accept my response. This man made it seem like my only purpose on this earth is to have children. When I told him I wanted to wait to have children, he told me that was wrong – that what I wanted to do with my own body was the wrong decision.
There are so many things I wish I would have said to him in that moment. I wanted to tell him that my body is mine alone, and what I do with it is solely my decision. I wanted to tell him that his comments were invasive; what if I found out I was unable to have children? Even with this question out of the picture, asking a woman about having children is a very personal question. Not to mention the assumption that she will even want children is a bit rude.
I wanted to tell him I was raised by young parents who sometimes had to scrape by paycheck to paycheck to give me the best life they could, and I didn’t want that kind of financial instability for my child. I wanted to tell him that I want to wait to have children until I establish a career, have a home in a nice neighborhood, and make a life for myself before bringing another life into this world.
I wanted to tell him that having a baby is not the most important aspiration in my life, and that he shouldn’t assume it is simply because I have the biological equipment to do so.