To my God Parents,
It is simple: I love you and I don’t know you. You are my godparents and my grandparents. You are Joe and Jukie. For as long as I can remember, I was told that I am just like my grandmother, my mom’s mom, a little Jukie. It makes me think I know you because I know myself, but I wonder how I could know someone that I can’t remember. I am upset that you two died, but I am not upset at you. My mom still tears up when thinking about you and realizing how much she wants her mommy and daddy. I then think about how I never want to lose my mommy and daddy. I think about how I want kids and I want them to have vivid, happy memories of their grandparents. I have a grandpop I remember, and I will always be thankful I got to know him, but he was not you, my godparents.
I get jealous of my sister and mom, who share a godfather. He’s an amazing man who has a heart of gold, just like I am told you both have. My sister gets such lovely letters and is so excited to see him and plan trips to visit him and his wonderful family. While I used to feel an unpleasant green pit in the bottom of my stomach, I am so happy for my mom and sister to have that special person they can love and look up to. I can look up to you guys too, but not in the same way. When I was young, my sister would get amazing gifts from her godparents around her birthday. I never got anything from my godparents when all I wanted was a hug from the two angels that my mom idolizes and shares so many amazing stories about.
My brother was 8 years old when you two passed away. He was spoiled by you two and he was just your grandson. I am your granddaughter and goddaughter. I’ve always wanted to be spoiled by you. I want to remember the love you gave to me as a baby, but I can’t. I am mad that you both died before I could realize what I was losing. I know that neither of you had the actual decision to die, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you both alive. I think about what life would be like if you both were alive. I think about what it’d be like if all my grandparents never died. I would learn a lot from my dad’s mom, Louise, and my aunt wouldn’t have to miss her best friend every day. She grew up with four brothers and her mother was her best friend. My dad and his four siblings’ relationships might be different if Louise lived longer. I hate death because it stole so many amazing people out of my life. I hope to everyone who has lost a loved one that they remember to share their stories of them so someone like me can love and get to know someone they have never truly met.
I talked to my mom and dad about why they picked you two to be my grandparents when they knew you two were dying. They said I was the last gift they could give you. It’s weird because I don’t remember either of you, but I feel a connection to you both. I think you both are why I believe in magic. When I was younger, I was told thunder was my uncle bowling. I always believed in Santa Clause and I still do. I love feel-good Hallmark movies and Christmas season is one of my favorites. I could listen to Christmas music anytime of the year. I think I love all of this and believe in all the magic in these spirited cheesy moments in my life because I know that is how you would make me feel. I know that because that is how my aunts and uncles make me feel. It is how my entire family makes me feel.
Those hearts you have touched touch my heart and when they do there is a hint of you both coming out. The holiday spirit brings a warm glow that lets everything seem to be okay and happy. That is the feeling I get when I think about you two, when I do something and I’m told It’s something Jukie would do, when I find genuine happiness in this world. There is magic in this world because it created people like you two, puns, and cheesy romantic comedies. It created a way for me to get to know my godparents and my grandparents.
My life could be so different if you both were alive and I wish I knew what that would be like, but I am really proud of myself and happy with my life. I don’t like regret and I wouldn’t want my past to be any different because it has shaped who I am today. As much as I wish I had the memories of you two like my brother does or the experience of having godparents like my mom and sister do, I know I am one of the luckiest girls because of the memories my parents have given me. They share your stories and they give me your love. I hope one day I find an afterlife that lets me meet you both again. I miss you both and I will always love you both. I am happy to have you two as my grandparents and my god parents. I hope you are proud of your granddaughter and goddaughter.
With lots of love,
Your Little Jukie