“If you need anything call me”
It was Saint Patrick’s Day and a 36-year-old sergeant John Frank was getting ready for the festivities of the day to start. He was just getting off work and was starting to contact some of his friends in the unit to come over for some Jamison and Guinness later that night. The guest list had a handful of his closest buddy’s but one of them wasn’t going to make it that night. He received a text from his platoon sergeant that Specialist Michael Philips had shot himself and is in the hospital. The first thing John was thinking was “dumbass Philips was probably messing with one of his guns and shot himself in the leg or something” and didn’t think too much of it as he said. In fact, it was no accident and it was no minor leg wound, Philips put a bullet in his head and was on life support.
Infantryman are known for their extremely rowdy and unpredictable behavior that is unsavory for the average civilian to handle. Heavy drinking and tobacco use is extremely prevalent in the community with the average age being between 18 into the late 20s. The infantry is where a boy becomes a man, and when boys become men so young they feel invisible and these warriors view each other as such. Though that feeling of invincibility for them all made a turn for the worst. A man, a fiancé, a son, a brother in arms was dead. It was now real for them, they receive their yearly suicide brief citing the incredible number of soldiers that take their life every year. This was different for these men, it was not just another statistic on a PowerPoint presentation it was one of their own.
The men of Charlie Company 1-111th Infantry regiment piled into the hospital in disbelief as to what happened with things such as “why would he do that” and “no way Philips would have done that” being muttered to each other in 1 on 1 conversations to the side, as to not put more strain on the already grieving family. Men were scattered all over the conference room set up for them due to the massive influx of them starting to show up to support him and the family. Some had their head in their hands, others were telling stories about “crazy old Philips” and his loveable antics. A doctor appeared with a look of fake hope on his face saying, “in groups of 4 you can go back and see him”. Men went back with looks of fear and came back with red eyed 1000-yard stares. It wasn’t looking good and he wasn’t going to make it, nothing could prepare these warriors for the impending death of one of their own. He died that next morning after no brain function being found left.
When someone ends their own life, it is not a singularly affecting act, everyone bleeds for that person and everyone feels the pain an this was no different. At the reception back at Specialist Michael Philips second home and the home of his unit, Charlie company men in full dress uniform piled in most looking as if they hadn’t slept in days. The last time these rowdy men were in dress uniforms it was the annual Christmas party and it was a celebration of the years success, but today no celebration was happening. Suicide prevention signs were being taken down at the assembly area of the armory and a dull sadness was present in the air. Every seat was taken up by a man in uniform except just one.
A circular table with a white cloth and a folded flag had a single rose, a plate with a lemon slice, a wine glass turned upside down and a single lit candle and it bared the picture of their fallen brother. Sergeant first class Brian Smith explained the symbolism to a weeping fiancé. “The circular table is for our never-ending care for him, the white cloth is for the purity of him, the rose is for love of him and his family, the lemon slice is for his bitter fate, the wine glass upside down is because he cannot make merry with us today, the candle lit is for his everlasting life and the chair is only for him to sit”. Not even the great honor that he was receiving for his service could help the tears of his fiancé stay inside.
“if you need anything call me” was the phrase of the evening but these incredibly proud and stubborn individuals just refuse to do that for the most part. As Staff Sergeant Riley Jones put it “I am just worried about these kids going home and sitting in their basements getting shit faced, we lost one today we can’t lose another” and this is the sad fact of things. For most of these men the only deaths they have ever experienced were in video games or a very old grandparent. It hits home a lot harder when it’s a guy they have trained extensively with and laughed with and suffered with, there was a real bond and it was unexpected like getting stabbed right through the heart.
“The squad will never be the same” was said by his squad leader Sergeant James Cruz who still was processing the whole thing. He had a newly vacant team leader spot in which Philips held. To think of filling his spot with someone new was a devastating thought for him. The sting of his death has left behind a feeling of not being whole anymore some have explained. When people kill themselves, they think as if they are ending the pain, but in fact it is the ones who are left behind who inherit it.