Life is scary. There is so much to think about and there are just so many gosh darn opinions in this world. It’s a good thing to hear different perspectives, but sometimes you just want to yell at people to stop talking and just understand I’m right and you’re wrong. It’s never that simple though. I feel like I am always wrong and always right. Like, it’s a combination. When I’m right, there is still a part of my truth that isn’t true and when I’m wrong there is still part of my opinion that’s right. The truth isn’t always 100% true. This is especially true when you start talking about emotions and feelings. It doesn’t even have to be romantic. There are complications with all types of relationships. I have walls up and I hide some of my feelings. I don’t like to share too much with others because it puts me at a vulnerable state or could bite me in the butt if I share to the wrong person. I see it happen to people all the time, and it’s happened to me too; I can’t hold everything in, and I need find ways to let go of things.
Being vulnerable sucks. It’s a risk that you need to figure out is worth taking. I recently found out that someone doesn’t like me and that’s okay, I don’t expect everyone will like me, but their reasoning behind it bothers me. See, I have a problem of asking lots of questions and always trying to ask people to think about another perspective to their views. Sometimes, I need to think about that when I get upset, but you know how it is when you just want to rant or get something off your chest. You want the person you are talking to, to agree with you and tell you that you aren’t insane for feeling the way you do. I don’t always do that when people rant to me. And if I was the person who was ranting, it would infuriate me to hear that because I don’t rant to find an answer, I rant to help me let go of my frustrations. My problem is when people rant to me I want to help them not be so frustrated. The person who dislikes me doesn’t really ever rant to me, but I just feel like ranting is the best way for me to explain that there is this divide in the way we communicate. The way I talk and communicate is read differently then what my intentions are. The person feels as though I don’t trust them or like them. I mean sometimes I don’t like this person, but it just depends on the day. Somedays they are so nice and others they are pretty much rude. They make me feel like there is no respect. Now, knowing that this person dislikes me it’s hard to want to be nice to them because of how bitter they have been to me, but I need to take the high road and kill them with kindness.
Even so, don’t get me wrong, I love getting to know people and letting them get to know me, but there’s this line that not a lot of people cross. I’m normally happy, and if I’m not having a great day, you can probably tell by my face.
However, I’m big on sharing positivity and being inclusive. I do my best in hopes that how I’m feeling doesn’t ruin anyone’s day. I also try to talk with people differently not because I like one person more than the another, it’s because I feel like my relationship between people should be individualized. I’m also one person, so it just depends on who I’m talking to and what they bring out in me. It’s like thinking about when you first met your best friend and how easy it was to just start talking and you never really even knew them, but then there’s this person that every time you talk to them it just pisses you off. You can’t explain why you feel this way, it’s just instincts.
My instinct is to put a smile on and a wall up. I protect myself, keep quiet, and find the little things in life to keep me happy. I try not to focus on the things that frustrate me. For example, the person who has declared their disliking of me sucks, and it’s nagging in the back of my head because I see this person during the week, but I try to think about what is making me happy right now. Writing, crocheting, my family, a friend just texting me out of the blue all feels really good. Spring break is right around the corner. I work for Residence Life, and I love my staff. At my internship, there are a lot of amazing people! There is a lot that I am thankful for.
And yeah, there are lots of negative things that I could dwell on because life is hard. I have no idea where I will be in a year, and it’s a tad scary. I don’t like being disliked, but that’s just life. There are bigger things in my life that are kind of a worry too. But as my parents constantly say, things happen for a reason, and it’ll all work out in the end. Maybe they are why I’m a hopeless romantic who loves all things cheesy and punny. Any who, life is hard, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.