While I hate the reliance I have on caffeine, I must admit I have one. Everyone I know does. It’s no secret the work demand of our current society only functions with lethal amounts of caffeine. Looking around my college classes, every student has their poison potion they use to get by. My observations have led to reliable conclusions I draw solely based on the beverage that sits on the corner of your desk. No shame in any of these. I just think self-awareness if important, so if you fall into one of these categories, you may need to check yourself.
Celsius/Alani
You want people to think you’re athletic even though the only reason you bought the drinks is because they have a fruit on them or because you saw Addison Rae collabed with them. You probably carry around the can a little after you finish the drink just to let others KNOW that you’re that girl. Whitney Simmons is your icon. You wear gold hoops and have acrylic nails that change colors biweekly. You’ve definitely posted an IG story of the can and tagged @celsius with heart eye emojis. No one can tell if you’re faking it or making it—but what’s really the difference?
Note: This is a self-criticism because I myself would shoot a sparkling orange Celsius straight into my veins any week day.
Straight Coffee
Gal on the go type vibes! You’ve got work to do, and no time to fuss over how to get your day started—you just gotta get going. You like expensive salads and Kind protein bars. Podcasts are the only things coming out of your AirPods (especially while powerwalking at the gym) and you are the GOAT when it comes to online communication. Your downfall is how you spread yourself too thin and lose sleep, hence the coffee. But you’re classy, and never go out of style. Bonus points if you take your coffee in a travel mug.
Monster
You’re either an 8th grader who thinks they’re a baddie or you’re stuck in 2009. Either way, you’ve got some growing up ahead of you. The can looks intimidating, but you’re actually fun and know how to crack good jokes. And why do you always have to have a bag of chips with them??? And do you drink the whole can in one sitting? Cause that’s 16 ounces of raging vigor that my 5’6’’ body can not handle. No judgment, but know if you show up to my ECON 309 Class with a Zero Ultra White Monster, I’m definitely not trusting you in a group project.
Specialty Drinks (Matcha, Chai Tea, etc)
You have too much time on your hands or too much money in your bank account. But either way, good for you! Your lifestyle, social media and clothes are all aesthetically coherent. I bet your glasses even match the tones of your wardrobe capsule which is probably an earthy green. House plants and cats fill your townhouse that you work remotely from because the pandemic made you get in touch with your inner self and now you only can be freely creative at home. You suck at work deadlines, though. And charcuterie boards are your go-to and although you’re quiet you have great ideas. Manifest sociability next time.
Caffeine Pills
Your need to stay up has conquered all aspects of your life. Are you doing good? You gotta be a teacher or in med school or in an absurd situation for you to outgrow liquid caffeine and to have upgraded to a pill. Everyone else can pass off their caffeine use as normal, but you?? You’ve resorted to pharmaceutical drugs just to get through it. I bet you tell nobody about your dirty little addiction, but all your friends have lowkey asked you about how much you work and are suspicious of you. Do not progress to cocaine, but you do you boo.
None
Either you’re pregnant or gave up coffee for lent. All the power to ya’. You tell everyone you’re off caffeine even though you’ve drank soda because “it’s different.” Or, you’re just a human who knows how to get stuff done without a stimulant. You take on manageable tasks that don’t push your sleep into dangerously low frequency. This unrealistic, fast-paced, achievement-driven society has got nothing on you. You’re a balanced human who is living life how it should be. In summation, I want to be you.