We’re going to have to talk about it at some point, so let’s just get it out in the open right now. You can thank me later. This article is for all men who have girlfriends, girl friends, sisters, mothers, or really, have had or anticpate having any interaction with the female species. I am bestowing upon you a gift that will save you tears, heartache and possible physical pain. I present to you: A Handbook On How To Deal With Your Lady When She’s On Her Period.
The NONO’s:
1. Never, by any means, ever, in the existence of your life, comment on anything she puts into her mouth when she’s PMS-ing or bleeding. “Are you going to eat that?” will result in every death stare imaginable. If she’s on a diet, go ahead and assume that it’s not cheat day, but rather, cheat week. Additionally: Chocolate, candy, comfort food, etc. does not contain calories, carbs, sugar and the like. IT DOESN’T EXIST, SO WE’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT. When in doubt (Read: Out of fear) it’s best to keep an emergency supply of her favorite chocolate or candy. She will love you endlessly for it.
2. I don’t care what she’s wearing: If it’s a formal ball gown with glamorous makeup and hair or your ugly pair of sweatpants and unwashed hair: WE ARE BEAUTIFUL AT ALL TIMES. Please note, that on our period, we feel like the ugliest, fattest whale in the ocean, so it is actually your job to compliment us. But don’t over-do it! A simple, “You’re beautiful everyday” or something of that sort will suffice. Also note: We won’t believe you, but that’s not the point because…
3. Our emotions/hormones/life will most probably be everywhere at all times throughout the week. Trust me; we can barely keep up with it ourselves, so we, by no means, expect you to keep up with it. Just be respectful of it, don’t take it personally and we will do our best to respect you in the process. DON’T ASK US WHY WE’RE CRYING AGAIN, JUST HOLD US AND SAY NICE THINGS. On a serious note, just because our emotions are heightened does not mean that our reasoning for having a problem, being concerned with something, etc. is invalid. Take us seriously; PMS is real, and it affects all women differently. The easiest way to legitimately hurt us is to attribute our actions and rationale to the fact that we’re menstruating.
4. To bounce off the previous, if you ask us if we’re on our period when we’re not because we’re sassy or respond to something in a way that you don’t personally like, you should most certainly run as far away from us as possible, because your life is actually in dannger.
5. Periods are PAINFUL. Not only do we bleed for seven days (without dying, we’re basically superheroes) our uterus is literally contracting and practicing for child birth. Yes, it is as gross as it sounds. IMAGINE EXPERIENCING IT. We bloat, we crave, we are SO tired, irritated, should I go on? When we say we really don’t want to do something, please respect our decision and don’t make a fuss about it. Imagine having running cramps + gas pain + constipation/diarrhea + headaches + bleeding AT THE SAME TIME. Would you really want to go out to the club in that condition? I didn’t think so.
6. When we want to have sex/touch you, we will tell you. If you ask us, “Is it over yet” when we are clearly still in the stages of dying, fat whale, we will momentarily hate you. No woman, I REPEAT, no woman enjoys bleeding for anywhere from 4-10 days. Every woman’s period is different, and unless we engage it ourselves, we’re not going to want to sex you, have you grope/touch our stomachs, boobs, legs, etc. DO NOT TOUCH US unless we have entered into the Lovey-Please-Hold-Me-I’m-Sad-And-Fat stage of our period.
7. Don’t talk about other girls. Don’t. Just don’t. You don’t even know other girls exist when we’re on our period. You’re only interested in us. I do not need to say anything else about this. Additionally, don’t ignore her. It’s rude, and it makes her feel unwanted. You don’t have to be there for her all the time, just make sure she knows you’re not just running away from her because she’s on her period. (Even though you are).
8. We are well aware that periods are disgusting. WE DON’T NEED YOU TO LET US KNOW HOW GROSS YOU THINK THEY ARE. If you’ve never woken up in a pool of your own blood and ruined your favorite pair of boxers because of the former, you don’t have an opinion. Just like we don’t have an opinion on what it feels like to have balls. We don’t know, so we don’t comment. Very simple.
9. I realize this article has a lot of what not to do. So, to help you out, here as some tips to help us, and in turn, help yourself:
- If we’re cramping, offer us a back rub, some tea, a heating pad or Advil. Or all of them. For best results, offer all, but for adequate results, offering one makes us feel like you really care and we will love you SO MUCH.
- Hold us. Unless we don’t want to be held. Then just smile safely from a distance.
- Do something thoughtful. It doesn’t have to be anything huge, sometimes just laying on the couch with us and watching a movie will make a world of difference. A bouquet of flowers, chocolate and Advil wouldn’t hurt, but I’ll stop.
- Remember the good part: She’s not pregnant, so you’ll never have to write a song like Kanye did.
10. If all else fails, just do this and call it a day. It’ll be over soon. I bid you all good luck. We’ll see you next month.