I have never allowed myself to be alone. I think that in itself is a problem. Since I’ve never allowed myself to be alone, I haven’t had the ability to decide who I am as a person yet, and sometimes that scares me. I watch my own actions and think about all of the influences that played some sort of role in what I did. I wish, however, I let myself experience being alone once in a while.Â
This all really started in high school. In high school, every problem feels like it’s the end of the world, and you’ll never get through it. The same can be said about having friendships and relationships. We have become so used to seeing the “idealized” high school life swarming around on social media that I think we forget to be individuals instead of a sheep being led by our friends.Â
The only moment I was alone in high school was when I slept. That was it, and even then there was still a chance I was at a friend’s house having a sleepover, or I was up all night on a phone call. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was either with my family, out doing something dumb with my friends, or working. I was trying too hard to never be alone because I thought it would make me feel like a loser. As seen on TV, if you weren’t constantly surrounded by people, you were automatically uncool, friendless, or someone who was going to be alone forever, and my naive brain believed that.Â
As hard as it is to admit, I followed this same pattern with my romantic relationship in high school. At first, I was in it for all the right reasons. Boy meets girl, they have feelings, they start dating. After a while, I started to feel myself slip into numbness, seemingly going through the motions day by day just so I could say I was cool enough to have a boyfriend. When we broke up, I didn’t feel much at all. I thought I could, and I was forcing myself to be sad, but what I felt was a deep rooted sense of confusion for what I used that relationship for at all.Â
Before my first semester at KU, I broke off from my high school friend group. There was a huge falling out, and it was a messy, unexpected experience. I had about two weeks to be sad about it before moving to my new college apartment and having to start over.Â
When I moved to college my freshman year, I still didn’t know how to be alone. I was always surrounded by people in class, with my roommates, at club meetings, or out with friends until the middle of the night. Without my family to ground me, I was trying to fill up that space with as much time away from my room and apartment as possible. Believe it or not, but for me it is hard to make friendships that I really care about, so I was grasping at anything I could to distract myself.Â
Then, there were the guys. I do feel bad for my friends who had to put up with my antics for the last few years. There was always a guy in my life that I was either talking to, in a situationship with, or seriously crushing over. They would come and go, some lasting months and others lasting weeks. But, this played more into my idea of the fantasized life. All of my college friends had boyfriends, the people I went to high school with were still with their high school sweethearts, and I kept feeling like I was so far behind. I was so codependent on all of my relationships that I felt like I would break without them.Â
All of these factors remained true running all the way through the summer after my junior year at KU. However, things quickly came to a screeching halt.Â
My closest college friends moved out of Lawrence. In so many ways, they are what made Lawrence feel so fun for me. There’s a saying, “the people make the place,” and that could not be more true. Adding on, there was a long situationship I had just gotten out of. I can confidently say I developed strong feelings, but there’s nothing you can do if two people are in need of different things, so we broke it off.Â
So, then when the new school year started, I had to truly experience being alone. Day in and day out, I was on my own, doing my own thing. I wasn’t going out with my friends, and I wasn’t talking to any guys. I thought that I would feel so small, so insignificant because of all of this, but I was very wrong.Â
Since I have started living more for myself, I have the incredible opportunity to see who I really am as a person. I have been taking care of my physical and mental health like never before, and I have found such peace within myself that I didn’t know ever existed. Finally, for the first time, I was loving just being me.Â
I was always surrounded by people, constantly comparing myself to them or thinking about who they wanted me to be. I twisted my personality in high school so people would like me, and was so used to making myself smaller for other people that it became normal. I see now how lucky I am to have the kinds of friends that I do. I don’t need to see my friends every minute of every day for them to like me. The best part about the friends I have is that the miles don’t impact our relationship, and I think that is one of the most extraordinary gifts to find.Â
I have gotten so sick of hearing people say “You need to love yourself before anyone else can love you.” I honestly thought this was such a stupid idea and that it wasn’t true. Now, however, I know it’s real.Â
If you don’t know who you are as a person, and if you can’t stand being alone with yourself, you need to think and ask yourself why you think other people would. We can be so hard on ourselves for this idea of perfection we make up in our heads, but when you’re alone with nothing but your thoughts, you’re confronted with some ugly, messy truths that may have been tucked away.Â
You need to love yourself first before you even think about giving yourself or your time to other people. In taking a break from the dating world and spending more time solo, I have actually found enjoyment in making myself a better human being. When you’re young, you have such a gift with the ability to discover yourself. Be selfish, take time, and use the gift. Build your relationship with yourself first, then be patient and allow time to do the rest.