I always ask myself why?
Why do I not feel like I’m good enough?
Why am I not good at this?
Why do I look like this?
Questions like these plague my mind almost every day. I constantly worry about something until I worry about something new. Trying to put the voice of self-doubt to rest is a feat of strength and confidence, a feat which sometimes overwhelms me entirely.
These questions don’t always stem from insecurity, even though it might be better if that were the only causation. They are often a result of stress, frustration and fatigue alongside insecurities. It isn’t fair, not only to myself but to those around me. It isn’t fair that I have to struggle with second-guessing myself on a daily basis. How could self-doubt be fair at all?
It isn’t supposed to be fair, and that’s the point. Out of a million different questions that are to be asked in a day, not a single one should be asked as a target of sabotage. No one should question their talents and capabilities, their physical size or composure, intelligence or future plans. We owe it to ourselves to know our limitations and earn our own trust.
I’ve struggled with trusting myself.
Why are you doing this wrong?
I’ve debated over my major, my career plans and personal choices for as long as I can remember. It’s an exhausting obsession. The cycle of reasoning and disappointment that consumes you is terrifying. I’ve learned to move on and trust in my decisions. I’m living my life for myself. Since I don’t get a repeat and I can’t restart the game at my last checkpoint I don’t regret anything. Nothing will stop me from being authentically myself ever again, I simply don’t have time for it.
The downward spiral of the three-letter word often coincides with self-image. The ever-changing beauty standards that are forged by social media can have devastating effects on one’s self-esteem. I sorrowfully admit that I’ve looked down at numbers painted across a digital scale screen, casting my heart into the pit of my stomach.
I’ve hated the way I look.
Why don’t I look like her?
I’ve resented my athletic build, my curly hair and round face. I avoided mirrors and begged to wake up in a body that wasn’t my own, so I could have one day, or maybe even one minute that I wasn’t me. I hated myself, and it was never worth it. I’m so lucky to be healthy and to be alive. I’ve taken time to heal and be considerate to myself. I love the body I was given; I love the life I’ve been gifted.
I’ve fallen in love with myself, it’s the least I can do. When I think of how much I have to lose, I can’t help but to be thankful. I’m indebted to everyone I’ve met in this lifetime, whether that be good or bad, I don’t care. Every fleeting second has molded me into the person I am now.
I’m thankful that you are alive. I adore your music taste, the way you can solve a calculus problem, what candle scent is your favorite, the freckles you hate and the way you take your coffee. If you can’t be grateful, you can’t love yourself, I’ll do it for you. Thank you for being here and thank you for being you.
Self-doubt plagues us all, and though manageable for some, it can be debilitating for others. The kindness you share with yourself and others can make a monumental impression. I’ll continue loving myself, and I hope you can start loving yourself as well.