Before you link this article to your house’s GroupMe to tell them there is yet another GDI for them to aim their Resting Bitch Face at, just know that I love sororities. I think the concept of sisters working together to better the community while simultaneously being best friends living in an enormous house is genius. However, I also know from my experience being part of a dance team 23-girls-strong that I would never survive. So in my experience being on the outside looking in, I’ve noticed a few things that I just don’t get.
1) Chapter
What is chapter? Why do you look so nice? Why is there never enough room in your house for it–isn’t that the purpose of living in a mansion? You’re taking up all of the free parking at the union. Get out of here, with your crisp white lace dress and your coordinating coral statement necklace- you disgust me.
2) The sock thing
Why are you wearing a nice dress with just socks? Where are your shoes? Is this chapter? Is this a form of hazing? Are you not allowed to wear shoes is this part of initiation? I’m 67% sure the rule is “wear heels in your sorority’s colors or don’t wear shoes at all” but for goodness sake, you’re in public! Put some shoes on before you catch something you weirdo.
3) Shark’s Surf Shop
3) What is Shark’s Surf Shop? We live in Kansas. There are no sharks here. Why are you wearing that? You do know they sell non-shark-surf-shop pastel t-shirts, right? Oh, you’re wearing it BECAUSE it’s from Shark’s Surf Shop? Interesting. Do you also wear shirts that read “AEROPOSTALE” across the front? Of course you don’t, that would be ridiculous, you’re right.
4) Frat parties
Seriously, all you have is beer? Oh, you had beer. But not anymore? Why is everyone wearing jerseys? Oh, it’s a jersey party? Guess I didn’t get the memo. Hello, can I have a- hey, I’m trying to talk to y- HEY! I’M A GIRL. STOP SLAPPING YOUR FRAT BROTHER’S ASS AND TALK TO ME. Jeez, what do you have to do to get a drink around here?! Ehhh, you know what, forget I asked.
5) Sworn sorority secrecy
What secrets could you possibly possess that you can’t share? Do you slice your hands for blood bonds? Is that code for “I’m being hazed but can’t report it?” Are there goat sacrifices involved? WHY CAN’T I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SISTERHOOD.