“Hey Aunt Hazel, can you pass that bottle in my direction?”
Thanksgiving can be a time of brutal honesty and ignorance, and I’ve put together a guide of topics that are bound to come up so you’re never caught off-guard by the disregarded questions.
1. Donald Trump. I’m already cringing.
- “I don’t even have a Twitter, so I can’t really understand why you’re so angry.”
- “I think you’re overreacting, he isn’t that bad.
- “Crooked Hillary…”
2. Sexual Harassment. Again, this is bound to come up when the wine glasses empty.
- “Have you seen the news?”
- “I still like his movie though…”
- “Wait who are we talking about?”
3. Relationships. The same questions will be asked as they are every year, and your Great Aunt will take it upon herself to set your poor lonely self up.
- “I know a cute boy, he lives in my neighborhood if you’re interested”
- “I saw a picture of you with that guy on Facebook, is that your boyfriend?”
4. College/school. They should know this by now, but still don’t.
- “What are you majoring in again?”
- “How are your grades?”
- “You pay how much a semester?”
5. Health (theirs or yours). You really want to discuss these kinds of topics over dinner, amiright?
- “My rash went away last week, thank goodness.”
- “Are you on birth control?” *later asks your mother the same question* “is she on birth control?
6. Global warming. Timing and ignorance is sure to bring this subject up, as if the room wasn’t already sweltering enough.
- “It’s just coincidentally hot, global warming is a myth”
- “Science is a hoax waste of money anyways
7. Your ex-friends and significant others. Because they must not notice how uncomfortable you are with talking about your back stabbing ex-best friend.
- “How’s ____doing?”
- “Remember that time….”
- “I ran into ____’s mother the other day at the store, and she wanted to know all about you”
8. Dietary issues. Sometimes, it’s fun to just say you’re “a gluten-free, low-fat, paleo, vegan” just to watch the look on your meat-loving Uncle Jim’s face.
- “No meat this year? The turkey is so juicy though”
- “You sure don’t eat much… you know your body is beautiful just the way you are.”
- “Wow you sure do like the potatoes and gravy this year… save some for the rest of us would you?”
9. How long you’re staying. The more this question is asked, the more you miss your campus.
- “When do you go back? I could use some help cleaning the top shelf of my closet, and you’ve just gotten so tall since you went off to college.”
- “If you’re around next week, I’m going to a lunch that you might be interested in- it’s for my prayer group.”
10. If you go to church. The best answer is to just lie sometimes, because only God knows the heart.
- “I’ll pray for you.”
- “What’s the pastor like?”
11. Visitation. Because they are so eager to see how you could possibly live so far away and on your own! Too bad visitors are never allowed on campus, like ever, as far as they’re concerned.
- “When can we see you again?”
- “Can we visit soon?”
12. Your future. As if you already have everything figured out.
- So where do you want to live?
- How much do you want to make?
- How many children do you plan on having?
- Will you baptize your children in the church?
Overall, it’s important to remember Thanksgiving is about family and food and laughing about the ridiculously rude comments later in life. Enjoy, and may the odds be every in your favor.