I was in panic mode my entire first semester of college. Any slight sense of homesickness or unfamiliarity drove me off the edge. I panicked about how to fill my days, I panicked about having days that were too busy. I worried about how many friends I was making, whether the clubs I chose were meaningful to me, if I was making the right identity at Kenyon.
But more than the day-to-day worries like homework and stress, which my friends were having, I was worrying about long-term things. I felt panicked at the thought of being stuck in one place for four years. I put immense pressure on myself to make every second count because everyone promised me that these would be the “best years of my life!”
I felt like everything was so heavy. If I was tired, I would panic at the thought of napping in fear of missing out on something, even if literally nothing was going on. I called my mom every day, scared that our relationship wouldn’t be the same with me so far away from home. And the worst part was that I felt myself dragging my friends down with me. I would walk into Peirce with so much anxiety about being cheerful that it would just have a counter-effect. I found myself blowing every little thing up incredibly out of proportion.
Over winter break, I again found myself worrying, this time about leaving my family and embarking on the daunting task of a new semester. To distract me, my sister, who is a senior in college about to graduate, asked me to tell her some funny moments from my year. I told her about some silly thing I did at a party once, or about the clubs I was in, and to me it didn’t seem like much but she was fascinated. When I asked her why, she explained that she enjoyed repeating freshman year in college vicariously through my stories. That, as a senior who was unsure what the future held, the idea of being a first-year and knowing where you were going to be for the next three years sounded refreshing. That I had a plethora of milestones ahead of me, lessons to learn, more people to meet, more identity to be formed.
“Stop and smell the roses” is a cliché that I’m not going to use here, but I can’t say that the thought didn’t cross my mind once or twice in planning how to go into my second semester. When I was reflecting on my first semester with my sister, while I remembered a few funny (and some cringe-worthy) moments, I mostly remembered all the hard parts. When I reminded myself how far away from home I was. The stress I put on myself to make every moment meaningful. How worried I was about my friendships, and whether I was presenting myself the right way. And I was sick of it.
It’s hard to change your mindset. And I still came back from break nervous about starting a new semester. I was already stressing about things that I didn’t need to stress about and overthinking things that didn’t deserve a single thought. The second weekend back, I flew to visit my sister at school. Obviously I knew that being a senior in college was a big deal, but seeing her in her school environment, physically being a last-year college student was a big moment for me. I went with her to go job shopping. She spent half of my visit filling out job applications and taking action for what she wanted to do next year. She was still my sister—still bossy and know-it-all and goofy—but she seemed older. She’s aware that soon she wouldn’t be a college student. And that’s when I realized something.
As much as it sucks (and sis, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry), the idea of going into the real world and becoming an adult scared me. My sister had to worry about finding a job, what state she was going to live in, etc. I was settled in Gambier. Maybe I didn’t completely know what I would major in, or whether I would live North or South next year, or if I would continue in the same clubs, but I knew where I was going to be. And, I had promising friendships and definite support.
Being in college is not a bad thing. It’s a hard thing, and I’ve definitely learned a lot about how to be on my own. Yeah, I’m responsible for making sure that I eat healthy meals, work out, do my laundry, keep my room clean, etc. But, we also have immaculate freedom in this four-year opportunity of learning who we are and realizing what we want in the future. But that doesn’t come all at once.
Life moves day by day. And I was under the absurd presupposition that college would be this groundbreaking experience where every day I learned something about myself, and going away for four years would immediately unlock the secrets of the universe and adult-world. But that simply isn’t the case. Before, I was frustrated by college and spent a lot of time worrying about how I would fill these four years with meaningful activity. But, I think that comes with the experience. And, while sometimes it is important to be worried about things like homework, and whether you’re going down the right path, that doesn’t need to be a day-to-day concern.
I’m tired of going through each day worrying about my future and whether I’m “doing college right.” The time to worry about the future is definitely there, I learned that from my sister. In due time, I will eventually have to make decisions about what I want to do, and how to go about doing it. And in worrying about whether I was doing college right, so my future will be bright, I found myself not really doing college at all. I spent so much time fixating on my anxiety about being in college that I wasn’t allowing myself to truly be in college.
While I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions, and it’s already almost March, I’m resolving to go into things with a lighter mindset. I want to find opportunities to laugh, almost every day. To allow myself to be stressed only because it will motivate me to do better in my classes and allow me to learn the material better. To let myself feel emotions—both negative and positive—because it’s healthy, and I want the positive to outweigh the negative. To surround myself with people and things that make me happy and make me excited to be here.
From my sister’s college experience, I learned that eventually I will have to be an adult. But, for the next three years, and for right now, I’m still me. I still have time to be silly, and I know that time moves faster than I think it does. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my time in Gambier worrying about what comes next only to arrive at what’s next and have missed these incredible experiences.
So, take that time. Meet as many people as you can, and have as many interesting experiences as you can. Take as many opportunities as you can to dance wildly with your friends. Laugh as much as possible. Read good books, and talk to your professors about your opinions because no one will care as much as they will now. Try activities that you wouldn’t think you’d enjoy, not just because you want to pursue a career in it, but also because it’s simply fun and you like it. Go to concerts or go on walks or stay up late or sleep in, or do whatever makes you happy, because this time is simply too short to not enjoy it to the fullest.
Image Credit: Jean Cooper, Daron Tooch, Giphy