On Feburary 24th we come together to watch a bunch of rich movie stars congratulate each other on being awesome. That’s right: IT’S OSCAR NIGHT. Before we jump into throwing a kickass Oscar party, we highly recommend that you go out to Mount Vernon or find a way online to watch all the nominees because it’s really a great group this year. Besides, what else are you doing with your time, homework? Nah.
Now, here is your comprehensive guide to throwing the best, most bangin’ Oscars Party ™ that Kenyon has ever seen:
- FOOD. This is an obvious one. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to caviar here (we checked Walmart AND K Mart) but that’s ok because there are plenty of ways to make do with the classics available at the market. We’ve got the basics (chips, salsa, guac if you’re lucky, pita chips, hummus, cheese, etc.) but there are also plenty of ways to get creative and prepare something special to eat as you watch the red carpet full of people who look like their idea of a treat is one half of an unsalted almond (we’re lookin’ at you, Hathaway). Or you can always order in some pizza and wings because that’s what everyone eats at awards ceremonies after parties (we think). For dessert: chocolate. Nuff said.
- LOCATION. If the lounge in your dorm is suitable, take advantage of it. Stake your claim early to avoid any annoying people who might “show up” and claim that “this is their lounge too” or tell you to “stop yelling at them” on Oscar night. If you don’t have access to a lounge, tough break. Figure it out man, it’s Oscar night: THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
- GUEST LIST. Invite your friends. Don’t invite your enemies. Whoever said “keep your friends close but your enemies closer” was real dumb—why should I keep my enemies close? I don’t like them. If you don’t have a lot of friends (we learned the hard way that only “real” people count as guests at a party) here are things you can do to get more people to come:
– Walk up and down your hall yelling clever Oscar-related things (suggestions: “Zero Dark Thirty? More like Zero Dark PARTY happening in the lounge in T-minus 30 minutes!” “I can offer a life of pie to anyone who comes to my Oscar party!” “Please Argo to my Oscar party.” “If you don’t come to my Oscar party I will make your life Miserablè.”)
– Put an ad in the Mt. Vernon paper. A great way to meet new people in our surrounding community and also learn to finally get over our pesky fear of “stranger danger.”
– Set up a live stream on your computer and then play it on full volume (get speakers if possible) in the middle of Wiggin Street Coffee. That way everyone there has to come to your party! They’re already there and they can’t leave because you locked the doors! So many friends!
– Cry.
- BALLOTS. Once you get a decent sized group of people together, you can ask whoever’s game to throw in a couple of bucks and fill out a ballot. Then at the end of the night you can tally up who got the most categories correct and they win the cash as well as the ultimate prize: pride. It makes the party exciting and also introduces competition into the mix. And who doesn’t love some good old friendly, non-violent competition?!?!? The Hollywood Reporter’s website has a pretty good printable ballot that can be found here: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/race/oscars-2013-thrs-academy-awards-421978
- FASHION. No Oscars party is complete without a healthy dose of haute (pronounced “oat”) couture (pronounced “coat-oor”). Nothing less than black tie formal will do for this night of elegance and class. That said, we’re not actually going to be AT the Oscars so…sweatpants.
So there you have it, the basics of how to construct a night of glamour, cinema, and pizza. Now get out there and throw the party you were born to throw.