Two journalists walk into Peirce Hall armed with a laptop. What happens next—I never saw THIS coming.

Well, it’s that time of year again, the time when Reagan and Amy travel the globe (the globe here defined as “Peirce”), kicking in doors, bursting through walls Kool-Aid-Man style, sliding in through slightly-ajar windows, and politely ringing doorbells to ask: “What’s in your heart?” And to also say “Sorry we kicked in your door.”

Hormones are flying at Kenyon, and not just because Bernie won New Hampshire. Sendoff was moved to the weekend before finals (and then moved back to its rightful place), the Cove is closing, and the Phi Taus are slowly becoming a legitimately-recognized Greek organization on campus. In short, Valentine’s Day is here and no one is emotionally prepared.

Which brings us to this, Dear Readers: A list compiled by yours truly of the crushes, heartaches, hopes, dreams, grievances, and ironic one-liners burning in the hearts of the Kenyon populace. Not all of these responses are pretty, nor pretty romantic, but it’s not our job to hide the truth from you—unless we don’t like it, of course. Here, then are the immediate, startled responses to the obtrusive question “What’s in your heart?”

“Blood vessels, some arteries, some blood. And maybe just a few pumps of magic...” -Hopelessly Romantic Scientist

“Nothing.” -Lin Miao

“According to Jasmine, ‘fucking burnt toast.’” -Bitter Peirce-Goer

“What heart?” -The Real Beyoncé

“Oh, wow! You don’t want to start. I got a lot of feelings all the time. Nothing that I say anyone’s gonna like. Ok, I’ve just been thinking a lot this morning about how no one at Kenyon knows what neoliberalism is. I just feel like, if college isn’t teaching us the structures we live in, then why are we fucking here?!” -CA on Duty

“Can I say ‘the Kenyon community,’ but carefully cutting out the administration and anyone who wants to impose their wills and ideas of what the Kenyon community is on us?” -Angry Shaved-Head Bisexual

“Tiny versions of my friends, who actually don’t have any money to pay rent, but I let them live there anyway because they’re cool.” -Land Lord

“In no particular order: Lindt Truffles, spoons, beards, man(’s) buns, that one day when it’s almost spring but it’s still winter and it’s unseasonably warm, my 12-hour and 53-minute playlist of the collected musical endeavours of Chris Thile, the elevator in Storer, JStor, and Philip Glass’s “Einstein on the Beach, Knee Play 5.’” -Someone Who Eats Lemon Peels

“Peirce shrimp scampi.” -Non-Bitter Peirce-Goer

“Campus Safety and how hard they work to keep us safe.” - #safetyfirst

“Amy and all of Amy and her quiet jokes.” -Laura “Something in the Middle” Langner; Laura “I’m Love with Amy” Langner; Laura “My Comps are on Sunday” Langner

“Lots of fear.” -My Alias

“Andrew Clarkson.” -Just not “Shark”

“Erin Brill.” -Not Amy Schatz

“Snaggums. Snaggums is in my heart.” -de Pico

“Another, smaller heart.” -Z

There you have it, folks—raving mad, hormone-fueled Millennials speaking nonsense, bumbling around campus in search of love and political justice. Smells like Valentine’s Day! For those of you who have plans, have a wonderful holiday and make good decisions! For those of you who don’t, just remember that love is an illusion and all symbiotic relationships are based only on greed and selfishness. What’s in your heart?


Image Credit: Kenyon College, Tumblr, Amy & Reagan, Buzzfeed, Amazon, Vignette 2,