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Culture

The Historical Figures Who Could Get It


We’ve all seen that picture of young Joseph Stalin…Every so often on Twitter the same photo of Stalin, or Che Guevara, or John Wilkes Booth, will circulate and people lose their minds over those who have been dead for decades. With that being said, I’m about to do the same thing. Here are a few historical figures that I would let get it. 

John Locke 

John Locke was an English philosopher from the seventeenth century. He wrote a lot about liberal democracy and all that good stuff. Locke is appealing to me for two main reasons: the first being his long hair; the second being his pretty progressive stance on issues related to gender. Sure, he may have looked like he hadn’t slept in a million years, but I just know those fine locks of his had all the women begging to enter into a state of nature with him. Second of all, Locke was low-key a feminist. His teachings suggested that women were of equal stature to men. Although he was doing the bare minimum by acknowledging women at all, I have to respect it. The bar is so low. 

John Brown 

I’ve always had a thing for J names. In case you’ve never heard of him, John Brown was a radical abolitionist who tried to incite a slave rebellion in Harpers Ferry. I am enticed by his piercing eyes and his desire to help abolish slavery. It’s a good look for him. 

Alexander the Great 

I’m pretty sure Alexander the Great is on every “historical figures you didn’t know were hot” list, and for a good reason. The Macedonian king was known for establishing one of the largest ancient empires in all of history. I’m a pacifist, but I would make some exceptions for dear Alexander. It’s high praise that I consider him attractive considering we don’t know what he actually looked like. Judging from all of the paintings of him, I think my feelings are pretty valid. 

Vincent Van Gogh

I don’t even know if Vincent Van Gogh counts as a historical figure, but he was alive in the past and that’s good enough for me. If you’re into the tortured artist types, Van Gogh’s the guy for you. Pretty people make pretty art. I think part of the appeal may be that he looks like Owen Hunt from Grey’s Anatomy, but that’s a conversation for another time. 

Michelangelo

Sticking to the artist trend, my next famous dead lover is the Italian sculptor Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni. Doesn’t his name just roll off the tongue? I swoon. Not only does Michelangelo have a stellar understanding of female anatomy, but he has some rather sexy facial hair. I just want him to paint me like one of his Italian girls. 

MALCOLM X 

I love a smart guy. Malcolm X ranks as one of the most influential activists of his time. He also had a very nice smile, and the glasses add a very intellectual-chic vibe. I’m into it.

Ulysses S. Grant

The Union general and former United States president Ulysses S. Grant does not get enough credit for his dashing looks. With a name like that and a face resembling that of Casey Affleck, it’s a mystery why more people don’t talk about him when we discuss the hottest presidents. Sorry Abraham Lincoln, I’m with Grant on this one. 

These are just a select few of the myriad of attractive notable historical figures. This is an odd mix of men, and I’d like to think some of them are rolling in their graves at the mention of their names on this sort of list.

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Sophie Peck

Kenyon '25

Sophie is a first year from Atlanta and interested in pursuing English and Political Science. Her interests include reading, watching reality tv, and Doc Martens.
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