“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”
-Mark Twain
In high school, my friends and I always tried our best to give out five compliments a day. It started as a twenty-one-day challenge for us, and it was entirely successful. Not only did handing out compliments make us feel good, it made others feel good as well. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the compliments I was giving out were often very superficial. Additionally, my compliments grew to be not genuine, as I was merely trying to reach the goal of giving five.
In December when I was a first-year at Kenyon, I got very, very sick, to the point where I slept for thirteen hours without moving a muscle. My roommate actually checked my pulse twice. I had pounding headaches, a fever, a scratchy, sore throat, and a violent cough. It got to the point where I was literally taking two minute cold showers because I so feverish and weak.
During this two-week period, one of my hall-mates made me soup. As he sat with me, he told me how sorry he was about my illness, but also that he was sorry for himself too. When I asked why, he said that every Tuesday and Thursday he woke up to me singing in the shower and that he really enjoyed it (much to my embarrassment). Since I had been sick, I hadn’t been singing (or showering) as much, and he had missed that wake-up call. That compliment was so meaningful that over a year later, I can remember it exactly (although I’m not sure he does).
That is the kind of compliment I want to give—not superficial, but substantial. Something that I know means a lot to the other person. As women, I often feel like we focus too much on the appearance-based compliments (not that those are inherently bad—trust me, I love getting compliments on my clothing and make-up). I want everyone to focus on the fact that we are so much more than our appearance.
So, this year, I am trying something new—a twenty-one-day challenge to give out non-appearance-based compliments. It’s not about quantity now, but quality. Essentially, I will attempt to give at least three non-appearance-based compliments every day before I compliment anyone on their physical appearance. If I fail, I start over on Day 1. By the end of the twenty-one days, giving genuine, substantive compliments should come as second-nature to me.
Here are ten tips if you want to do the challenge too:
1.) This challenge does not eradicate all appearance-based compliments. If you have a friend who puts a lot of effort into their appearance or considers themselves a fashionista, feel free to compliment them on that. Just don’t make appearance your focus, as people are so much more than that!
2.) Find the details in people! Often times little, specific compliments, such as “I love your handwriting” or “You have the best taste in music—you should really DJ a party” are the ones people appreciate the most.
3.) Do not laugh when complimenting someone. It sounds harsh, but laughter can actually make some people self-conscious about whatever the compliment was about. Laughter is often perceived as you making fun of them instead of complimenting them.
4.) Compliments do not necessarily have to be statements. They can be questions too, such as “You did so well on that test! How did you prepare?” or “How did you come up with the ideas for your dorm decorations?”
5.) Do not hesitate to compliment someone, even if it sounds silly in your head. It’s more appreciated than you know.
6.) Compliment everyone, not just your friends! In fact, you can even compliment someone without their knowledge. For example, when you’re sitting in the dining hall admiring someone’s laugh, you don’t have to tell them, but you can tell the people you do know how much you like it. You never know who knows who, and your compliment could get back to them easily!
7. ) Do not quantify compliments given or received. It practically defeats the purpose of the challenge.
8. ) Public compliments are the best! For all those who love social media, take to Twitter or YikYak or even Facebook to compliment people for their attitudes, their leadership, and their help. This spreads the compliment even farther than just between two people, so that everyone knows how great this other individual is.
9.) Do not compliment just because someone complimented you. Be authentic in your compliments! Honestly, the worst thing in the world is where I tell someone I think their purse is really cute, and they then obviously struggle to find something to say back to me.
10.) On that note, don’t expect anything in return. I know that sounds really disappointing but giving out compliments does not necessarily mean that compliments will suddenly be pouring in on your end.
If everyone keeps the compliments flowing, we will all (hopefully) be more thoughtful and more genuine individuals. By focusing energy positively rather than negatively, everyone will get a self-esteem boost!
Image Credit: Rebloggy, Teen Being, Pinterest