I’m not good at adjusting to new situations. It always takes me a while to warm up to people and make friends. So, naturally, coming to a new place in the middle of nowhere surrounded by strangers who were supposed to be my friends for the next four years was, to say the least, intimidating. After having finally conquered my shy and reserved nature in high school, I was back to square one.
Then, somewhat on a whim, I decided to audition for the student-produced concept concert Tommy, created by The Who. From there, I guess you could say I was saved by rock n’ roll.
By concept concert, I mean that we didn’t do the full album/rock opera, just select songs with a loose narrative structure and minimal blocking. I was cast in the role of Tommy’s mother, and sang as well as played keys. I was as surprised as anyone when I got in—I had felt like my audition went well, but I was also so nervous that I didn’t remember much about it. But I read and re-read the email telling me I got in, and it was true. I was part of this now.
At the beginning, I kept thinking, what have I gotten myself into? I was the only person there who didn’t really know any of the others beforehand. Everyone was very welcoming, of course, but as I said, I’m not great with groups of strangers, and it was difficult not to feel intimidated. The other musicians were very talented and experienced, and while I’d been playing keys off and on with the band at my church for years, I’m largely self-taught, and there were a lot of odd chord progressions to remember. I was less nervous about singing since I’ve had lots of training in that area, but standing confidently on my own in front of everyone, with nothing to hide behind but a microphone? That’s still way out of my comfort zone.
But, if there is ever a time in my life to take risks, it is now.
We worked on the songs for a long time, at first just piecing them together with everyone using only the recordings as a reference. I had never done such extensive amounts of learning by ear, so it was challenging, to say the least. Then we rehearsed the songs over and over until we got them right. The environment was casual, yet still professional. A perfect balance. It also started out slow, just one rehearsal per week, and gradually picked up speed, so that by the time we were spending a lot of time as a group, I felt like I knew everyone a little better. It eased me out of my shell, and slowly I was finding myself able to speak up and be myself in front of others in a way I hadn’t really been able to since coming to college. The feeling spread into other situations, as I got increasingly outgoing with the people around me in various groups on campus.
Still, it wasn’t until tech week that the experience really hit home for me. I’ve been doing theatre for years and have always struggled with physicality and stage presence. And when you’re in front of a crowd, belting rock ballads, stage presence is a must. It was the one thing that I would practice alone in my room over and over again, but for the life of me could not reproduce in rehearsals. What is wrong with me? I would ask myself over and over. Why is it so hard to just stand tall?
I think it was ultimately the combination of hair/makeup far different from my usual self, the presence of stage lights, the pump-up exercises we did as a group before the run, and honestly, the inherent satisfaction of belting the highest note at the climax of “Smash the Mirror” that did it. Again, I’d been singing that song and others for a while now, but it wasn’t until doing it in a context that it all felt right. Everything snapped into place. I didn’t have to be “me” anymore; I could be someone completely different. After that moment (and with some help from our lovely director), I somehow knew exactly how to hold myself, and my inhibitions somehow didn’t matter anymore. I was free.
So, what was the ultimate takeaway from this experience? For one thing, I learned that I am not tied to my nerves. Miraculously, I wasn’t nervous hardly at all during either of the performances, which was new for me. But above all, I learned that being myself out loud isn’t as scary as I let it be. I was so afraid of being disliked or inadequate that I had let it take over me. Shaking that feeling off allowed me to break out of my hiding hole and fully embrace the beautiful setting in which I found myself, and the other people in it. All I needed was a little push out of my comfort zone.