When you first find yourself in a world of foreign people that are not quite your friends yet not quite your acquaintances it can be hard to feel that you’ve established meaningful connections. It takes a long time as well as some mutual struggle to get to a point where you feel similarly about your college friends as you did about your childhood friends back home. So when that finally happens and you feel elated, like you’ve finally made life-long, loving relationships. What comes with this new feeling of intimacy and can feel like you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize those friendships. You don’t want to show too much of your true colors, or too intensely, in fear that these new-found friends will realize your intensity and turn their backs on you. And that would be heartbreaking.
As in any relationship, with newly-found college friends there will inevitably come a moment when a misunderstanding occurs or a disagreement pops up; this is inevitable as no two people are ever perfectly compatible. If they were, things would be boring. But, unfortunately, because of the diversity of background, emotional intelligence, and temper among people, as well as among friends, conflict is bound to happen.
When a first conflict with a new friend happens, it can feel overwhelming; you’re being confronted with a situation you’ve never experienced before with a person whose emotional reactions you aren’t yet able to gage. Conflict elicits emotional reactions that can feel unexpected or unfamiliar, so in this conflict with a friend, emotions may come up that you have not yet encountered in your relationship. Understandably, this is scary and can be hard to approach. Your first instinct may be to shy away from the conflict to protect your feelings as well as those of the other person involved. Ignoring the issue is the easiest and most immediate way to resolve it. Avoiding the conflict can feel like the best option, especially if you’re someone that is fairly passive and conflict-avoidant. I found myself put in this situation multiple times, and repeatedly chose to avoid saying anything and letting the situation go. This is part of the point: when conflict arises and then goes unaddressed, chances are the point of conflict will come up again. So, although avoiding a conflict situation may feel like the right solution, in reality, not speaking up will do a lot more to weaken and harm your friendship than it will to strengthen it.
A moment that solidified this for me was a misunderstanding that arose with one of my best friends in college. She texted me after an interaction we had and said that she didn’t feel right not reaching out about how bad it had made her feel. I had not even considered the way I had approached the interaction and that the way I had acted might have made her feel bad. Of course, at first I was taken aback and felt a little defensive. After going for a short walk and considering what she said to me I realized that there had been a misunderstanding and I really needed to make what had happened right. I tried to suspend any defensive or guilty feelings and approach the situation from the perspective of wanting to heal the hurt that had been caused, not necessarily on my part, but by the misunderstanding as a whole. We decided to meet up in person and discuss what had happened, how we each felt about it, and how we wanted to move forward. During our conversation she gave me the context for why she felt the way she did and why my words and actions affected her the way they did. This gave me so much clarity on what had happened and allowed me to empathize with the way she was feeling about what had happened. Meeting in person to talk also gave me the opportunity to share with her my own perspective and reasoning behind my actions. This, in turn, was helpful to her, as we both were able to realize that what had happened was a misunderstanding. What was meant to be a quick chat turned into a wonderful two-hour long conversation. We learned so much about one another and definitely grew closer. We were both able to walk away from the conversation, and conflict at large, feeling much more connected to one another and much more at peace. This never would have happened if she hadn’t brought up her feelings.
The nature of conflict resolution should not come as a compromise where one person in the relationship is forced to sacrifice something for the other person’s happiness. Conflict resolution is a conversation, a sharing of perspectives to not only find common ground but to heal together. When a conflict arises, there are a few things that are important to remember when working to resolve it:
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Remember that you both want the best for one another. Try to keep this in mind and not demonize the other person or their emotions.
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Whatever they’re feeling is backed by reasoning that you just may not have access to. Although you might not fully understand how they feel, whatever they are feeling is valid.
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It is not up to you to agree or disagree with the other person’s emotions. First accept that they are feeling an emotional reaction to your interaction with them. Then work to help them understand your perspective–don’t try to change their emotions or their opinion on the situation.
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You may not reach complete understanding of one another’s perspective but that isn’t the point. The point is to work towards a basis for understanding and a resolution that may help prevent similar understandings in the future.
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Neither person necessarily has to change after the conversation. But it is important that you both keep it in mind for the future and remember the opinions and feelings that were expressed. This should act as a steady reminder to check your words and actions before expressing them. You should be able to stand behind any action or decision you make.
Conflict can be intimidating, especially when you haven’t had a lot of role models for healthy conflict or if you’ve experienced a conflict that was especially unproductive or painful. The reality is that in order to build trusting, lasting relationships it’s important to be able to trust that the people you care about know how to be there for you not only for your highs but also for your lows. It’s important to feel that the other person in your relationship is willing to take the time to work through a mutual problem in a way that is considerate, affectionate, and meaningful. Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and be the person who speaks up, in any relationship. Chances are that the other person wants to bring up the issue too but just doesn’t know the best way or the right time to do so. Also, don’t shy away from being supportive and mature in situations where your actions might have been the source of the conflict. Ultimately, although conflict, especially with a new friend, can be scary, if engaged with in a considerate way, it is an incredibly beneficial way to strengthen your friendship. We should all learn to be more proactive and productive in the way we “fight”!