Last week, I told the story of how experiencing unconditional love shifted my paradigm of self-hatred, and revealed to my heart what my head already knew: I am worthy of love. However, my story doesn’t end with an epiphany; that’s actually where it begins.
After three months of confronting my heart every day, learning about love from so many different angles, and having so many amazing moments of feeling loved, I would like to say that I love myself, but that wouldn’t be true. The truth is that it’s a long journey, and I often find myself repeating the same steps over and over again. This is the most vulnerable part of my story, because it’s the here and now, and I don’t have some shiny, finished project or twelve-step process to give you.
This month, I kind of like myself. Usually. I can let other people love me without rejecting or avoiding their love. Usually. Most of the time, I don’t see myself as a failure, and I believe that I have a bright future ahead of me. But my feelings waver and change. This week, I feel great, because I just spent time with friends, but last week, when I wrote my previous article, I wasn’t feeling the self-love. I had to choose to be thankful, and to remember the story of my transformation. I stood on the truth even though it didn’t feel true, and as I wrote, it began to feel true again. This brings me to my first point.
You have to choose to fight
This makes all the difference. People can love me, fight for me, and tell me who I am until they are blue in the face, but I will never change unless I make that choice.
One of my biggest breakthroughs came from the realization that healing is not the moment when the lies stop feeling true, but the process of choosing the truth, over and over again. Once I stopped waiting on my feelings to change, I was able to start fighting the lies, and with it, my feelings started to change.
You have what it takes to learn to love yourself. It will be hard, but you are strong, and you can do this. You just have to decide, and keep on fighting every day.
Screen your thoughts
Your thoughts are incredibly powerful. Pay attention to them, and take note of what’s true and what’s a lie. Then, treat the lies in your head like you would a racist comment on social media. Let yourself get angry at them, and then fight back. Force the lies out of your head by remembering that they don’t belong, and fill their space by consciously thinking about the truth, and forgive anyone who you might have blamed (rightly or not) for teaching you the lie.
For example, let’s say that I catch myself thinking that I have to be perfect. Sometimes, I feel this way because of what I have been taught by someone else. When I notice that thought, I will say to myself, “I choose to fall out of agreement with the lie that I have to be perfect. The truth is that I am loved in all of my imperfection. [Insert Name Here], I forgive you for teaching me that I have to be perfect.”
Talk to yourself
For me, part of the daily battle is starting each day saying truths out loud. Most mornings, the first words to escape my lips are, “I am loved in my weakness…” I have a list of statements that I read almost every morning. Reading them keeps my choice to love myself at the forefront of my mind, and slowly changes my heart to believe the truth.
Another thing that I do, not every day, but whenever I need it, is apologize to myself. I have stood in front of a mirror and apologized to my body for hating it, I have apologized to my heart for trying to ignore my emotions, I have forgiven myself for hating myself, and I have stared awkwardly into my eyes in the mirror, and said “I love you” to myself.
All of this feels really weird, and at first, it’s hard to do, but the more you do it, the more natural it will feel, and you’ll start to believe it.
Embrace vulnerability
Last week, I shared my story of how love changed my self-image. If you want to love yourself, you need to be able to feel loved, and the only way to do that is by opening your heart to the community around you. Share your struggles, let them fight for you, and believe them when they encourage you. The battle to love yourself is not one that you can fight alone.
Give yourself grace for the process
Learning to love yourself is a process of fighting the same fights over and over again, but don’t be discouraged. It gets easier over time. You will struggle, and you will have days when you don’t remember or choose to work on loving yourself. But don’t lose heart. Forgive yourself when you struggle, and be sure to celebrate your breakthroughs, however small. Take time to reflect on your progress, and be thankful for every little bit of growth. It’s a long journey, but it’s well worth it.
Image Credit: Maggie Griffin